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Newsbiscuit Writer of the Month May 2024



Another great month for Deskpilot, and this time he doesn't have to share first place. In fact, he is far and away in the lead by a country mile. SteveB has had a cracking month, too, scoring in all of the categories.


Eppursimuove has had a fantastic month as well with five front pages and six NiBs.


As usual, the full list of links to these subs are below the leaders board, as is the link to the cartoon of the month and the full list of headlines for this month





Front Page, News in Brief and Features


Adrian Bamforth



apepper






bigbadbob



billclay





Chipchase





Chrisf




Deskpilot













eppursimuove













Granger




hrp27



Ian Searle




Jack the Quipper



jeremynh




Lockjaw



McDabble



Midfield Diamond



Modelmaker



Robowurzel



Sir Lupus



Sketchly



SteveB














Stewartbarclay











Sully



Sydalg



Throngsman







Walter Eagle




Wrenfoe











Cartoon of the month goes to Lockjaw with Meanwhile, in Ancient Greece ...


Headlines


Adrian Bamforth  

          

Homophobic Iranian President went down on big chopper


apepper   

          

Delicate negotiations might persuade USA to move "S" from "Legos" to end of "Math"


apepper     

        

ICC warrant for Netanyahu makes Ashes selection "unlikely"


Man who bred six seater horse admits he's got a lot riding on it


NHS order too many prosthetic limbs; hospitals up in arms


Sunak ignores teams of fat ladies singing outside Downing Street


Supermarket shelf stacker moved from laundry products is out of his comfort zone


Beau-Jolly     

    

Eurovision: "Not over until the bearded lady sings"


bigbadbob    

     

Boris forgot ID but at least this time wore trousers


billclay 


SNP to elect new up and coming leader: Elizabeth McTruss


Deskpilot     

      

All Universities required to become Diversities


Braverman criticises Sunak: inside the tent, pissing in


Comedian risks jail time for violating gag order


Diane Abbott to join Tories


Doctors concerned as Trump decides not to speak in court


Free Julian Assange! (buyer collects)


I'm trying to give up being a pirate, but the patches aren't working


Impoverished sado-masochist is strapped for cash


International Court of Justice orders tide not to come in


Keir Starmer plans quadruple pension lock


Keir's taking the election so seriously that he's washed his hair


Labour party surprised to find no billboards available anywhere in Britain


Labour plans restrictions on cartoons? Keir Starmer won't be drawn


Meringue making champion beaten by a whisker


Naked cribbage player scores one for his nob


Nigel Farage offers to lead SNP


Pals with receding hairlines say they go back a long way


Parasite found in Devon water is 'not Prince Harry'


Prince William accidentally calls the FA Cup 'Dad'


Raspberry ice cream causes ripple of excitement


Rishi goes a whole week without talk of a leadership contest


Stormy Denials


Sunak turns down invitation to appear on I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue


Tories forecast to lose Eurovision


Tories suffering from electoral dysfunction


Trump begs stupid people to send him money


Trump not let off


Water companies to dispose of sewage in white balloons


Welsh First Minister sacks assembly member over leeks


dominic_mcg    


David Cop-a-feel


Ed Davey shows Sunak how to get drenched in style


Straight man caught enjoying Eurovision


granger 


Humza Yousaf - Glaswegian for hum that yourself.


Hokeyloki          


Last week's racing at Devon - Jumps at Newton Abbot, Trots at Brixham


Sacked tattooist drew on friends for support


ian searle      

    

Cocaine worth £40 million found in car park still not enough to pay for two hours parking


Customers advise South West Water to boil their heads


Diane Abbott told to defect


Eurovision remains neutral as Switzerland wins song contest


Hovercraft engineer accused of up-skirting


Last ever episode of the long running sitcom 'The Tory Party' confirmed for this year


Tories ask, "Can we have our MP's back, please?"


Tory Party votes to allow woke members


Vennells told she is in 'la-la land', but records show it was Emma Stone


Jack the Quipper      

      

2024 General Election renamed 'Pin The Tail On The Donkey'


Floor of Commons renamed 'Rubicon'


Greens upset Scots - and not for the first time...


Hamas confirm they will hand over the remaining hostages when they find enough coffins


NHS offers hospital beds via Booking.com


NI government to fit revolving door to Stormont


Starmer's focus shifts from small boats to asylum seeking Tory MPs


Under 9s sex education lessons moved to bike sheds


jbpage  


Attila the Hun joins Labour - but Karl Marx banned for life


Post Office paid Paula Vennells 5 million pounds to know nothing about anything


Tories to re-introduce British Empire


jim Skinz    

        

Boats on all English rivers now required to have a poop deck


Boeing banned from appearing in The Great British Take Off


Pickpocket Of The Year winner walks off with top prize


Tories unveil Stop The Turncoats campaign


Joanne Starkie


Things Can Only Get Wetter for Sunak


mcdabble     

     

In politics, expect the unexpecrickey!


Netanyeehaa!


NHS to hire orangutans as part of new cost saving plan


NHS trusts to be run solely by ChatGPT


Thames Water in talks to buy North Korean balloon waste disposal technology


Modelmaker     


14th birthday party held for town's pothole


Army will teach teenagers how to fight with knives properly


Eamonn Holmes will be Ruthless after divorce say tabloids


Monty Panesar puts new spin on his reason for leaving George Galloway's party


Sunak having emergency surgery for gasted flabber


Tree Fellers charged over Sycamore Gap scandal, but only two appeared in court


Not Titus           


Tories lead UK to Eurovision Zero!


robowurzel2     


Suella Braverman insists she is not Spartacus


rogerg  


RHS President, Keith Weed, denies he is a plant


sinnick 


Scientists identify Dyslexia gene in NDA


Sketchly        

     

Introducing: The Swiss Army Spoon


Woman claims she is being Gaslighted. Man corrects her - ‘Gaslit’


SteveB 


Aviation regulator grounds all flying carpets


'Circular saw terrible at cutting circles' says bad workman


Former Lib Dem Liz Truss crosses floor to Labour 'to complete the triple'


Gove quits, but this is not a reference to cocaine


Journalist in toilet warns that her report contains flush photography


Pope Catholic, bear sh!ts in woods, Trump guilty


Rayner cleared but now being investigated for wasting police time


Strange colourful lights in the sky just seepage from ABBA hologram concert


stewartbarclay  


Charles: 'Can you make it look like I'm bathing in the blood of my enemies?'


Diddy? Yes. He did


Titus     


Baker street sewer blocked - no sh!t, Sherlock


Compensation to be paid via Post Office to avoid errors & delays


Paula Vennells adopts the Manuel defence - 'I know n-o-thing!'


Tearful Paula Vennells seeks post as CEO of water works company


Walter Eagle     


'Mange' - Starmer seeks the canine vote


Next Chelsea manager to be on zero hours contract


will       


Rishi Sunak - The Wet Man of Europe




Newsbiscuit Writer of the Month April 2024



Another great month for Deskpilot again and, unfortunately, another reason to invoke the Wren rule - an author cannot win two consecutive months. However, the Wren rule doesn't seem so harsh this month as eppursimuove has scored equal to Deskpilot, so is crowned as this month's winner. Well done both of you, some cracking subs between you. SteveB has run a great campaign this month too, coming a close second, followed by the mighty Wren himself.


As usual congrats to everyone who got published this month and commiserations to anyone who pitched but didn't make the cut. To find out the cartoon of the month and to read all the published headlines scroll down below the leader board and the full list of subs with hyperlinks.


For non-writers working through this page, this is not only a one-stop review of the Newsbiscuit month but a shining example of what we do. If any of you think you could do as well or better, click the Writers' Room link at the top of the page, sign up and have a go!




Front Page, News in Brief and Features


apepper






Benvoleo



Chipchase




Chrisf







Deskpilot








eppursimuove















FlashArry



harrypalmer



Ian Searle



jbpage





jeremynh




Lockjaw




McDabble



Midfield Diamond




Modelmaker






sockpuppet



SteveB













Stewartbarclay








Sully



Throngsman









Wrenfoe













Cartoon of the month goes to Lockjaw with his Taking up the slack from the NHS


Headlines


apepper           

 

Public intrigued to discover this week's Tory scandal will be

Sunak's master plan to win election is to defect to Labour

Suspended MPs become main opposition party


bigbadbob   

     

Card arriving after 27 years meets Post Office targets

Injured runaway horse is in a stable condition

Paris to be first Olympics to hold a duathlon

Rwanda agrees to accept 10,000 asylum seeking elephants

Struggling Acetone manufacturer insolvent


Chipchase         


Ofsted's unwillingness to end one word assessments judged - Appalling


Deskpilot     

     

£50 charge to see solar eclipse is 'daylight robbery'

All Scottish police officers now working on hate crime

Cameron certain that more missiles and bombs will de-escalate the Middle East

Cheerful lumberjack feels chipper

Civil servants picket their own gardens in working from home dispute

Dog with two tails not as pleased as expected

Eccentric Roman archaeologist is a hypocaust denier

Harry and Meghan to star in HRH SOS

Heston can't get his badger jelly to set

Household Cavalry advised to hold its horses

Humza Yousaf leaves his greens

Marathon runner in Boris Johnson costume beaten to death

New Scottish climate policy: move to higher ground

Post Office accidentally prosecutes itself

Rishi warned that 100 more Tory MPs may be defective

Stiff reprimand for dodgy Botox doctor

Vote shows 160 Tory MPs get money from Big Tobacco


dominic_mcg   


All Scottish Conservatives arrested under new Hate Crime Law

Angela Rayner may have been Jack the Ripper, claims Daily Mail

Boris Johnson denies being among Mark Menzies' Bad Guys

Ketamine addict just horsing around

OJ runs out of juice


eppursimuove 


New Scottish song - “10 Green MSPs sitting on the fence”


ian searle      

    

Grimsby becomes the first city to pay tourists £5 a day to visit

Minister invited to join a Conga questions if is the same dance as the Rumba


Jack the Quipper       

    

First arrests made under new Scottish posh twat on horseback law

Gaelic Scrabble World Championship runs out of vowels in first round

New York court seeks jurors who live under a rock

Peter Kay announces new 'My Show Needs A New Arena' tour


jbpage 


‘Lefty’ UFOs, ghosts and poltergeists wrecked British economy, claims Truss

Billionaire Rishi spends 2 million of someone else's money to be told how shit he is

Government planning to outlaw 'bad people'

Liz Truss launches new sideline in self-awareness training


jim Skinz       

    

Australian MP caught up in dunnytrap scandal

Carpenter to receive bevelling up funds.

Man who botched making a cup of tea gets a re-straining order

Mark Menzies: "Well, we haven't had a Tory scandal for almost a week, so..."

OJ biopic to be called Glove Actually

Police apologise for calling Smurf "openly blueish"

Producers of King Arthur epic say it's not set in stone


Lockjaw


Lyme Disease specialist uses tick list

Willy Wragg is a euphemism for crusty sock


mcdabble       

  

Angela Rayner 'Not middle class enough' to get away with tax avoidance, say experts

BBC announces new series: Great British Railway Cancellations

Everyone believes that footballer became addicted to cocaine after career ended

Humza, You's Off

J K Trolling

Liz Truss insists her book is a success despite poor sales

Police apologise for calling Home Secretary 'Openly Clueless'

Police officer accused of being 'Openly White'

Post Office to relocate Head Office to Belmarsh

Sick notes only to be given out by coroners, says Sunak

South of England Outrage At Being Subjected to Northern Weather

Thames to be renamed "Sh!t Creek"

Ukraine offers to attack Gaza if US will give them weapons like those they give Israel


micca   


Rishi Soon-out


Modelmaker    


American intelligence warns that Iran could start WW3 within 45 minutes

Doctor MP refuses to support end of life care for Tory Party

Former Post Office boss not even competent enough to run the Tory Party

Mechanic struggles to explain "offside" to footballer

Met Police say London Marathon has helped them find out who runs the streets

So far, 34 out of 300 million Yanks can be unbiased about Trump

Thames Water accuse Boat Race teams of sh!t stirring

Welsh government to now insist cars are driven in reverse at 20mph


Paul L   


Man who 'lit up every room' buried with his favourite torch


ron cawleyoni  


Chaos after Grand National as all horses declare I'm A Maximus, I'm A Maximus.


Sir Lupus     

      

Chaos in central London: horses caught but govt still running amok


sockpuppet      


Unseated rider explains: 'It was my first rodeo'


SteveB 


Dick pic distances itself from member

Nudist holiday camp has peek season

Only economic understanding Rishi Sunak has is with the truth

Rishi Sunak's parents still buy him trousers 'he'll shrink into'


stewartbarclay 


April Fools joke both funny and well executed

Social mobility 'not for the likes of you'

You know what this situation needs? More Liz Truss!


Titus    


Glasgow offers to host games, provided drug testing is abandoned


will       


Starmer "Complety committed" to Nuclear Armaggedon




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