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Newsbiscuit Writer of the Month August 2024



SteveB has had a storming month, clearing the pack. Deskpilot has come a creditable second, contributing amongst other things 23 of the 104 headlines published this past month. Stewartbarclay comes a very respectable third.





Front Page, News in Brief and Features


apepper




Beau-Jolly




billclay



Chipchase



Chrisf









Deskpilot






eppursimuove











fles



jeremynh




Lockjaw



mcdabble



Midfield Diamond



Modelmaker





Nathanadler



NickB



PaulD



Robowurzel




scribbles



Sir Lupus



Sketchly



SteveB
















Stewartbarclay














tacitus







Throngsman





Titus






Wrenfoe









Cartoon of the month goes to Modelmaker for Elon Musk takes a more responsible attitude to riots


Headlines


Adrian Bamforth            


Banksy now just going through the alphabet

Malice in Sunderland

Russian prisoners in western jails say 'I'm fine thanks'


apepper         

    

GCHQ close to decoding rules for cycling Keirin

'I take my job as an MP seriously,' wins joke of the Fringe

Some Sunderland rioters "weren't local" - they weren't wearing t-shirts


Beau-Jolly    

     

Team GB Medal haul to slow as "sitting down" sports finish


bigbadbob         


Fencing contractor found guilty of malicious posts

Starmer congratulated on successful PM tenure, by Salad growers


Deskpilot          

 

Anne Widdicombe complains about lack of inappropriate behaviour on Strictly

Baker fired for sponging off his colleagues

Critically injured fork lift driver moved to palletive care

Everyone avoids picky bits at eczema sufferers buffet

Farmer upgrades his combine harvester to Winnows 11

Frankenstein actor who can't stop talking about himself is an Igormaniac

Govt confirms funding for BTec in managing uncertainty

Labour offers more & better train strikes than the Tories

Lush looter doesn't come out smelling of roses

Man who ate screws & fixings was bolting his food

New dog breeder is looking for pointers

Puppeteer offers to explain string theory

Putin plans next round of journalist arrests

Search for 'Google's illegal online monopoly' yields no results

Shamima Beglum

Starmer haunted by images of Margaret Thatcher on his toast

Student who wants to do camping degree aims to get a place in clearing

Ted Baker runs out of dough

Threatened taxi drivers close ranks

Toilet cleaner gets time off in loo

Tommy Robinson 'doubtful' for Strictly

Top uni accepts students with 25m back stroke certificate

Winter fuel payment: OAPs to riot in protest


Dick Everyman  


New Walrus burger gets seal of approval


docholiday       

 

Biden didn't realize it was him that was being swapped


dominic_mcg    


Police tasked with arresting Katie Price have no idea what she looks like

Spanish lingerie company launches Basque Separatist range

Team GB wins Paralympic Gold in Crawling Off Trains event


eppursimuove   


Midlands Water - I’ll see your shit and raise you cyanide


Granger        

     

All over? It is now for Sven

Olympic commentator breaks record for saying 'UNBELIEVABLE!'


ian searle       

   

Copywriter accused of plagiarism


jim Skinz      

      

Apple thief asks for 25 offences to be taken into concideration

Oasis fans blocked by a plunderwall when buying tickets

Statisticians to star in new soap Correlation Street


mcdabble  

        

Brazil conducts Xorcism

Builder who lost his plans of the stairs told to retrace his steps

English riot season now well underway

Home Secretary approaches sex dungeon operators about housing excess prisoners

Israel and Hamas, in a rare show of unity, agree to continue hostilities

Israel will know if Iran is about to attack, say spy chiefs who didn't predict Oct 7th

Liz Truss says her freedom of speech is restricted because nobody listens to her

Prisons plan to increase capacity by releasing the largest inmates first

Russia threatens to declare war on Ukraine

Scotsman arrested after man stabbed in the Trossachs

Staff stuck in lift at NASA to be freed by February at the latest

Starmer congratulated on successful PM tenure, by Salad growers

Starmer pledges to transform steel industry into no-steel industry

Trump unsure which excuse to use for getting two black men mixed, racism or dementia

Welsh govt introduces new recycling bin for unused recycling bins


Midfield Diamond   

       

Olympic gender row settled after bloke in pub says he would


Modelmaker   

  

Drinking to be banned in pubs

Man has keyhole surgery after Surgeon lost key to operating theatre

Man with emphysema says he has limited aspirations these days

Pensioners asked to 'Eke Out to Help Out' as they lose Winter Fuel Allowance

Police vehicle suppliers may have links to riot organisers

Rioters who trashed library will get the book thrown at them


robowurzel       


No signs of green shoots on Conservative party stump


rogerg  


Oasis: Definitely Money


Scribbles   

         

Farage now earns over £1m a year: NatWest offers to re-open his bank account

Walsall sodium cyanide spill: boaters advised not to touch canal with a barge pole


sinnick 


Home Secretary to deport rioters to Rwanda

Police arrest hiking Chemist for exposing himself to the elements


Sketchly         

    

‘The UK is too dangerous for me and my family’ says Harry as he lands in Colombia

AI generated Elon Musk easily identifiable by its ability to grow facial hair

Dentist resigns after years of looking down in the mouth

Founder of Viagra company celebrated as its longest standing member

Outrage as the foil begins to peel from Olympic medals

Paris experiences spread of COVID variant which presents as a rash, named 'Olympox'

Seine swimmer comes in last with a lump in his throat

Truss arrested for punching Priest after he began Mass with ‘Lettuce pray’

Zelenskyy in talks with Boeing about providing Russia’s new fighter jets


SteveB 


Assorted chocolates thief comes up smelling of Roses

BBC News to arrange prisoner swap with Top of the Pops

Defecating dressage horse awarded bonus points for superbly executed 'Radcliffe'

Due to fish sex changes, waterway renamed River Exe-Wye

English tourist resort attracts more visitors with rioting mini breaks

Flasher at checkout receives 'unexpected item in debagging area' message

Mouthy smoker has no filter

Online networks used to organise riots classified 'antisocial media'

Prosperous vampire hit a rich vein

Rogue horse is 'neigher-do-well'


stewartbarclay  


Allsopp not concerned about her kids' location location location

Blue moon turns red in another party defection


The Squire  

       

Tom Daley retires from diving. Ronaldo applies for British passport


Titus     


Badgers & TB - 'Not a simple, black-and-white issue'

FBI - the only people unable to find a motive for shooting Trump

Militant feminist campaign group refuses to publish a manifesto

Russia engages in Special Military Retreat

Stranded astronauts due to have 8 months board & lodging deducted from their salary

Sunak asks Farage for a loan 'to tide him over'

Terminal patients forced to stay alive as hospices close


Walter Eagle     


Chelsea to sign Jenas on a free contract

Huw Edwards and Jermaine Jenas to host joint podcast: How To Be A Huw Jenas

Mmmm-pox, the TASTIEST pox!!

Newsbiscuit Writer of the Month July 2024



Deskpilot continues his winning streak and as he forfeited the crown last month thanks to the Wren rule he can rightfully step up on the top podium this month. I have a sneaking feeling Deskpilot is going to sweep the awards in the New Year WOTY competition. SteveB has had a good month chasing Deskpilot and I had a bit of a pitch earlier on in the month.


As usual all the links are below for the FPs, NiBs and Features plus this month cartoon of the month and the full list of headlines.




Front Page, News in Brief and Features


apepper





Chrisf




clarehogan




Deskpilot










eppursimuove











Ian Searle



jeremynh








Lockjaw



mcdabble



Midfield Diamond



Modelmaker






Nathanadler






Nice Admin Lady



NickB




Oxbridge



PaulD



Robowurzel


Sarah Tipper



Sinnick



Sir Lupus



SteveB











Stewartbarclay










Sully





Sydalg




Throngsman











Titus





Wrenfoe










Cartoon of the month goes to Dominic_mcg for Venn diagram


Headlines


Adrian Bamforth    

        

BBC to launch Leniently Come Dancing

Former president is sadly missed


apepper      

       

Secretive zookeeper asked about keeping animals gives cagey answer

Trump leaves hospital, hair still undergoing treatment


Ashbery         

    

CrowdStrike advises GPs to ring at 8 AM to book an appointment


benvoleo     

      

Ed Davey auditions for I’m A Celeb going really well


bigbadbob 

        

Banned Olympic horse dancer was only following Strictly guidelines

England fan eating German sausage fears the wurst

Man suspected of meat theft faces grilling


billclay 


US Supreme Court grants head of Biden Crime Family immunity from prosecution


Deskpilot  

         

Alec Baldwin discharged

Bibby Stockholm to house dissenting Labour MPs

Bristol police call in warm case squad

Carpetright closes due to cash crisis and other underlaying problems

Cheshire supergrass enters Widnes protection programme

Cute medal winners get more TV coverage than mingers

Doorstep campaigning leaves Tories with massive laundry bill

Ed Davey feels that he has missed out on Glastonbury

Fears for COVID after it contracts Joe Biden

Hypochondriac comedian has a funny turn

Kane in Spain goes mainly down the drain

Keir remains Corbyn neutral

Keir Starmer's dad showed him how to build a cabinet

Penny dropped

Pig farmer fed up of grunt work

Reports of spiking incident at jousting competition

St Swithin predicts no England footie win for the next 40 years

Suella Braverman admits that she has experimented with Reform

Tory constituencies to bear the brunt of new house building

Trump claims 2024 election will be stolen from him

Unkempt incontinent let himself go

Unseated Tory MPs to retrain as PE teachers


docholiday        


Post Office report all their computers are running fine


dominic_mcg    


Biden congratulates J D Wetherspoon on Vice President nomination

Dinosaur remains found on Isle of Wight could be up to 5 years old

Man looking forward to Gavin and Stacey special doesn't get out much

Rees Mogg to sell his Laudanum Tinctures to the NHS

They're comin' home! They're comin' home! Wait...what...?

Triathletes who complain about pollution are full of crap, say IOC

Trump: It won't be the first time I've beaten a black woman


eppursimuove   


Raducanu fans say they understand problem of stiff wrists

Rees-Mogg regrets letting the servants vote


Granger


Polymath arrested on suspicion of counting parrots

Skin on Southgate's teeth holding out


ian searle   

       

Muddy magician accused of dirty tricks

To drop one candidate may be regarded as a misfortune; to drop three looks like carelessness

Tory HQ, "We're gonna need a bigger vote!"


Jack the Quipper   

         

Unelected Tory MPs to be dumped in rivers


jeremynh    

       

"No more Mr Nice Guy!" says Trump

Russia wins early gold in Olympics Sabotage event


jim Skinz    

        

Carpetright has rug pulled from under it

Huw've been shamed

Trump shooter “posed an ear and present danger”


Joanne Starkie  


Disney staff on strike over Mickey Mouse wages


Lockjaw 


BDSM dungeon gets 5 stars from Trussed Advisor

King, Queen, and Lords enjoy special cosplay session


mcdabble    

      

Biden Goes Viral

Biden 'I will continue my bid for re-electrician'

Child diagnosed as not ADHD and not Autistic

Duvet Makers Call For Blanket Ban

Early release prisoners refuse to leave due to housing shortage

Escaped horses claim they just wanted to visit Princess Anne in hospital

Modern-day slavery bill to be watered down after lobbying by student loan company

Presidential race now maturity vs age

Rioters in Chinese takeaway accused of won ton destruction

Runner to cross that line when he comes to it

UK set to reject 'slapping therapy' on July 4th

Why were the shoes so important? To cover his cloven hooves


Mick Turate       


Cats protest under-representation at polling stations

Y2K24


miggi   


Tom Throws his Tugendhat Into The Ring


Modelmaker     


Bangkok vicar declines more tea

Culture secretary: Only Fools and Horses repeats should begin with Trigger warnings

Ex-Tory MPs missed talking rubbish so much, they've set up consultancy companies

Huw Edwards makes unexpected return to BBC News

Prisoners left in corridors whilst waiting for cells to become available

Tory leadership race to become Olympic sport


robowurzel   

    

Scottish bog gets world heritage status - but I'd give it 10 minutes


rogerg  


Trump now bulletproof


Rowly   


Farage MP's to be sent to Reform School

FBI determines that the Teleprompter was actually the assasin's target

Signs of anguish at no 10. Teethmarks found on furniture

Sunak attends the last Supper at no 10


Scribbles            


Chancellor's statement about hole in public finances: ‘We’re going to need a bigger plug’

Eewww! Edwards: BBC Nonce at Ten.

Train spotters picked a bad week for their Paris trip.


sinnick 


Olympics opening ceremony was in Seine


Sir Lupus          

 

UK prepares to be disappointed by Labour government for a change


Sketchly             


Biden fell before he was pushed

Biden to spend his last day asking everyone to sign his shirt

Bishop forced to resign due to Cloisterphobia

Panic in the Whitehouse as Biden won’t “Wake up” after IT outage

Trump kisses dead man’s helmet


SteveB 

Chris Grayling's first week at CrowdStrike going supremely well

Complaints soar in Isle of Man against ITV drama 'Douglas is Cancelled'

lepidopterists aflutter on hearing of a 200 metre butterfly in France

Reform vetting missed woman

Uruguayan football team wins gold in the diving


stewartbarclay  


Rishi: 'I'm so normal... that's a normal thing to say, right?'


Titus     


Snack-thieving seagulls rate seaside resorts on ChipAdvisor

Starmergddon for Tories

Swiss defence full of holes

World's oldest cave painting discovered - fortunately, the artist had dated it - 51,200 BC


will       


Katie Price wanted for first time in ages

Newsbiscuit Writer of the Month June 2024



Another storming month for Deskpilot. I'm expecting a major score at the end of the year as Deskpilot seems to be going on from strength to strength. Unfortunately, this means we need to invoke the Wren rule again as Deskpilot won last month so eppursimuove takes the crown this month.


As usual the full set of links follows the leaderboard, as does the cartoon of the month and the full list of headlines.



Front Page, News in Brief and Features


apepper





billclay





Chrisf




Deskpilot














Dominic_mcg



eppursimuove
















Granger



hrp27


Ian Searle



Jack the Quipper



jeremynh



Joanne Starkie



Lockjaw




Midfield Diamond



Modelmaker






Oxbridge





PaulD




Robowurzel




Sinnick



Sir Lupus






SteveB






Stewartbarclay







Sully



Sydalg




Throngsman



Titus





Walter Eagle



Will



Wrenfoe










Cartoon of the month goes to Lockjaw with Ed Davey's plan for continuing HS2 development


Headlines


apepper        

     

Bingo callers introduce "Gamblers' Den" for number 10

Crow admits to "feeling pressure" to fly in straight line

Manchester airport threatens to run "usual service"

Sunak corrects biggest gaff claim - "biggest gaff so far"

Tories commission Treasury report confirming Sunak is 6'3"

Tories to bring back Blitz spirit by "random bombing"


bigbadbob     

    

Baby delivered in car came with free coke and garlic bread

Contraceptive gel applied to shoulders is effective, but makes arms go floppy

Korean balloon war reaches new heights

National arboretum to be axed

Venice bans opera singing in public and Cornettos


billclay 


New Meal Deal Offer: a sandwich, a drink and a selected bacterial infection

Starmer happy with England Team boringly doing the bare minimum and finishing top

Supermarkets say E-Coli Free sandwiches only available with Loyalty Card


ChrisF   


Tories walking slowly investigated by Ambling Commission


Deskpilot           


After Diana's gown sale, Andrew tries to flog his trousers

Card game addict told to snap out of it

Chip van commmemorates D-Day with a frypast

Defence: Keir Starmer commits to unclear deterrent

Ed Davey completes tour of all Britain's theme parks

Farage bludgeons kittens: Reform polls rise again

Farage drops support for himself, but says people should still vote for him

Gay Welsh voters targeted by Pride Cymru

Julian Assange disappointed at missing out on Rwanda

Miss Alabama weighs in against online trolls

MPs caught betting on how many MPs will get caught betting

Old folk wondering why Rishi wants to stop the goats

Rishi regrets taking Boris's advice about lying

Rishi: Go back to your constituencies and prepare for oblivion

Snooker club employee sacked for pocketing balls

Tory manifesto launched on the side of a driverless bus

Tory strategists accused of rishful thinking

Trainee bread maker has something to prove

Trial of US journalist Evan Gershkovich to take place behind closed minds

Trump starts building his own prison - just in case

Ventilation expert disappointed by Onlyfans website  


Dominic_mcg


Bookies no longer taking bets on the date of the Election

Politician tells lie. Exclusive.

Princess Anne in a stable condition

Royal Mail can’t guarantee postal votes will arrive before August

Top Of The Pops reboot to feature dance troupe Trans People

Tories can’t understand why they’re so unpopular


eppursimuove   


Did you vote Conservative in 2019? You may be eligible for compensation!

Football paused for lightning - Southgate sees hope of reanimating England team


Hokeyloki       

   

C on Clacton

MP having buttock reduction surgery afraid he might lose his seat


ian searle      

    

Fire brigade called to massive blaze in Rishi Sunak's pants drawer

Greek coastguard threw Owl and Pussy-Cat overboard from beautiful pea-green boat

Larry the Number 10 Cat to be investigated by the Gambling Commission

Media Tycoon diagnosed with Wedding Cake Addiction

RSC bans crowd surfing

Sir Ian McKellen to star in stage adaptation of 'The Fall Guy'

Spring Lambs are being investigated by the Gambolling Commission


Jack the Quipper         

   

Green Party manifesto set in stone as paper is non-sustainable


jbpage  


Oh Dear. How Sad. Never Mind.


jim Skinz     

       

Farage launches "Stop The Floats" campaign

Gandalf the Greeeeeeeeeeeeeey

Man who made fortune from iron toy is world's first magnet magnate

North Korean remake of Around the World in 80 Days 'is a stinker'

Police chief sacked for claiming he fought at Agincourt

Sauron was provoked by Middle-earth, claims Farage

Sunak leaves G7 conference early "because he left the oven on"

Sunak thanks Judith Bullingdon for scoring England’s first and adds “only three wickets to go”

Tories launch “Stop the bets” campaign

You shan't have a dishy, poor old little Rishi...


mcdabble   

       

ChatGPT told to 'shut it'

Conservatives offering free zimmer frames to voters on election day

Man who had large mole removed from nose says 'the worst thing was those front claws'

Sunak admits having Attention Deficit Hyper-rich Disorder

UK Told: Global Warming Not For You


Mick Turate       


Glastonbury Festival organisers make emergency appeal for mud

Rishi Sunak runs out of feet to shoot himself in


Modelmaker     


Farage promises to cut tax from beer and fags

Mouse jugglers pretending to work fired by Rentokil

Rentacrowd announce price hike for final week of election campaign

Sunak promises to cut spending waste on quangos such as the Gambling Commission

Tories promise referendum about England leaving the UK


oshaughnessy   


Sunak arrives at Silverstone and asks when the football is kicking off


Paul L   


Starmer still at D-Day commemorations as staff forget to pick him up


Sketchly   

          

Cowgate: 'Such instances are rare. Medium-rare at worst' says police chief

Met Police - 'The Tories are like Pokemon. We're slowly collecting them all'


SteveB 


Angry couple announce their enragement

Court found guilty by Trump

Don't worry, Rishi, your core support will have forgotten about all this by teatime

French call, organise and hold election in time it takes UK PM to dry off a suit

Miller fed up with the daily grind

Panda rams cow

Politician poking lentil 'has his finger on the pulse'

Surrey Police win Michelin Star for tenderising beef

Tonehenge

Tories to try writing STOP THE BOATS in bigger letters to see if that works

Tory Party Chairman wins game of musical 'safe' seats

'We were too rich to afford poor friends' says Rishi Sunak


Titus   

  

Ed Davey urges police car to drive into him

International crisis as Germany runs out of beer

Organ donor loses heart

Sunak admits he only made speech in pouring rain 'for a bet'

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