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Writer's pictureThrongsman
1 day ago

Newsbiscuit Writer of the Month November 2024



The results this month have been dominated by Deskpilot, new writer Nicka, eppursimuove and James_doc, with the crown going to Deskpilot. Nicka has had a tremendous month so congrats.


As usual the cartoon of the month follows the leaderboard, as does the full list of headlines.






Front Page, News in Brief and Features


billclay



DavidH




Deskpilot












Doctor Chutney







eppursimuove















ian searle



James_doc












jeremynh




Jim Skinz




Lockjaw





lucienne




Nicka
















Sarah Tipper



Sir Lupus




SteveB



Stewartbarclay




Sully



Sydalg





tacitus





Throngsman



Walter Eagle



Will



Wrenfoe










Cartoon of the month goes to Lockjaw for David Coote to bring a 'refreshing change' to MOTD punditry


Headlines


apepper             


Spartacus's Facebook account cloned

Trump appoints Hannibal Lecter Secretary of Food Production


bigbadbob         


Arsonists Anonymous promise new members a warm welcome

New law regarding stalking is a step closer

Russian spy whale had a Licence to Krill

Storms blow Canaries to UK, Met Office issues a Yellow Feather Warning

Struggling tree surgery company to cut half its branches


Deskpilot   

        

AI Michael Parkinson savaged by AI Emu

Astronomer caught moonlighting

Busy gravedigger works himself into the ground

Democratic Party donors ask for refunds       

Farmer who fell under plough says the experience was harrowing

Fish thief left his dabs at the scene

French decide against candlelit reopening for Notre-Dame

Girl Guides to introduce money laundering badge

Hancock: NHS was 45 minutes from running out of PPE

Kemi Badenoch realises she has small shoes to fill

Kemi wins her first, and only, election

Lettuce shortage blamed on cos cutting

Lineker decision to face VAR review

Man City in new legal challenge against the offside rule

Man spends all his money in inheritance tax avoidance scheme

New cash for honours scandal as Olivia Colman gets Blue Peter badge

Petition to abolish 'signing for things' gets no signatures

Politician Associates could stand in for MPs

Prize winner has 100 gallons of gravy bisto-ed on him

Research paper on jetties hasn't been pier reviewed

Spray foam found in Boris's old house may not be roof insulation

Trainee air traffic controller finds things are going over his head

Trump appoints fracking idiot


Dick Everyman  


US Embassy to move to Clacton


docholiday        


Barrister ties contortionist up in knots

DIY store selling doors for £1.00 say there are no catches

Flasher admit previous convictions - many moons ago

Scotland celebrate coming second from bottom in Nations League footie


Doctor Chutney 


Archbishop accused of carrying a crook

Assisted Dying Bill gets a new lease of life

Chancer of the Exchequer

Gloves wishes husband would buy correct size

Students brand degree in Velcro Technology a rip-off


dominic_mcg    


Labour celebrates winning the next general election

Trump names Typhoid Mary as Health Secretary


Granger


Democracts united in blaming each other

JaGUar campaign mastermind revealed - Reg Perrin

King Herod awaiting Trump's call to take over childcare post


harrypalmer      


103% of Americans say election pollsters got it wrong


ian searle      

    

"Hi-Fi System without Woofers" rumour described as 'bass-less'

Dyslexic launderette owner anxiously awaiting 'Assisted Drying' result


Jack the Quipper         

   

IVF postcode lottery 'not fair' - "I didn't even want a baby" says pensioner

MPs to debate 'Deranged Foreign Leaders' section of Assisted Dying Bill

Netanyahu subject of ICC arrest warrant - apparently, IDF troops were jaywalking in Gaza

On Master Chef: The Professionals, Bodie blows up 2 ovens & Doyle falls for Monica Galetti

One day after US election Sky Atlantic release The Day of the Jackal

Trump appoints Farage as Secretary of State for Foreign Puppet Governments


james_doc         


Cheese Thief Held Under Emmental Health Act

Eric Morecombe auction catalogue has all the right lots, not necessarily in the right order

French Offer Ukraine Unlimited Supplies of White Flags

Gary Lineker to get Testimonial Episode of MOTD


jim Skinz          

  

After its "disruptive snow" warning, Met Office issues "bang-out-of-order hail" alert

Boardroom battle at tea-maker: You only get a coup with Typhoo

Captain Tom's family to star in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels remake

Case collapses in prosecution of luggage manufacturer

Child trapped inside Christmas grotto has Claustrophobia

Maker of bad sieves gets a re-straining order

Rachel Reeves' CV reveals she's been an astronaut, head of the UN and Archbishop of Canterbury


Joanne Starkie  


Harris Trumped


Lockjaw


Smithfield market for the chop


MADJEZ     

        

Capt Tom's family reveal house powered by him spinning in his grave


mcdabble        

  

Edinburgh zoo apologises after 'Pygmy Hippo' found to be bald sheep

Famous man dies. Nation braced for rush of sexual allegations

Man who bought full-fibre broadband still constipated

Met office issues yellow snow warning: Never eat it

Putin Put Out

Tories just as bad on the economy, but funnier, claims man in the pub

UK fully prepared for surprise at cold winter weather

Midfield Diamond          

Many Americans Gullible Again


Modelmaker    


House of Lords can't comment on new Tory leader until all peers have been woken up

Man told salt and pepper beard suits him, takes it as a condiment

Mancunian holidaymaker arrested in Valencia for taking the weather with him

The Czech's in the mail


MrQ     


American sailors accused of rigging votes

Ancient piece of cheese on toast discovery hailed as a rarebit

Anti-drug campaigners told to get off their high horse

Chance of successful Trump assassination described as a long shot

Cut this one thing out to drastically stop ageing... birthdays

Farmers told 'Enough of the aggro culture'

Man always making inappropriate jokes blames it on his gag reflex

Tranquil extremists claim responsibility for placid attacks

Voting in America has everyone in a state

Scribbles            

Make America Vote Again!!

New breed of dog cleans up after itself - it's called a Retriever-Poo


sinnick 


Hidden message in bottle revealed to be "2 Gold Tops please"


Sir Lupus        

   

Hospitals to make nurses walk round corner to smoke

Northern electricity customers to be offered smart pigeons


Sketchly      

       

All Welby that ended Welby

Labour Party unveil their new motto: ‘Not my problem!’

Small boats confusion as they all find themselves in Spain

Starmer first human to cross time barrier after back-pedalling at the speed of light


SteveB 


Democrazy

Result of tomorrow's free and fair US election announced today by Russia


stewartbarclay  


America shits the bed

Farm death tax 'Won't cost farming industry much' yet will raise tons of money for the govt?!


Titus     


MAGA - maybe another gunman awaits

New American administration 'admires Ukraine's spirit' but will sh!t on them anyway


Walter Eagle     


Blow me! I hope this doesn't give Johnson any ideas


will       


Wallace to head GB News cookery show





Writer's pictureThrongsman
Oct 31

Newsbiscuit Writer of the Month October 2024




Deskpilot has stormed the table again, but thanks to Wren's rule he can't win WOTM two months on the bounce so Doctor Chutney (on an impressive 40 points) takes the crown this month.


Cartoon of the month is below the leaderboard and the full list of headlines (140!) are posted below.





Front Page, News in Brief and Features


billclay





Chipchase




Deskpilot












Doctor Chutney















eppursimuove













humperscrump



ian searle



James_doc






jeremynh



Lockjaw




mcdabble




Midfield Diamond



Modelmaker





Robowurzel



scribbles



Sir Lupus



SteveB






Stewartbarclay






Sydalg



tacitus





Throngsman





Titus



Walter Eagle



Will



Wrenfoe













Headlines


Adrian Bamforth      

      

Church opposes assisted dying, except for Jesus


apepper             


Are you wasting your time online? Take our quiz to find out

Lettuce makes late bid for Tory leadership


bigbadbob         


After brain surgery bear with a sore head is not out of the woods

Boxer knocked out in final round is a sore loser


billclay 


ICC rules selling Mince Pies with an October Sell By Date a war crime


Deskpilot           


After attacking UN, Israel to start stomping on kittens

Australian protester to be tried in kangaroo court

Bankrupt french accordion maker feels the squeeze

Barefoot man finally realises Socktober is not a thing

Batik experts argue against assisted dyeing

Burning rubbish overtakes politics as dirtiest form of power

Charity regrets its slogan 'Let's help bone cancer patients'

Cleverly claims election was stolen from him

Dog mess remover illegally claimed Jobseekers Allowance

Gen Z and Gen Alpha reject GenRick

General Dental Council criticised as 'toothless'

Grateful nation thanks Laura Kuenssberg for getting That Interview cancelled

Horological thief told to put the clocks back

I gave my girl a digital watch. Her face lit up

Jeremy Clarkson nearly bought the farm

No tax rises - but bus fares just went up by 50%

Pelican buyer didn't expect such an enormous bill

Sewing Bee contestant claims it's a stitch up

Singing polisher waxes lyrical

Special episode of Little Britain to feature Badenoch & Jenrick

Today's Tory leaders race event: eating a bacon sandwich

Tory conference: Rishi gives a short speech

Tory party to vote in favour of assisted dying

Town Crier finds his calling

Unsuccessful wedding goes off without a hitch


Doctor Chutney


Are transparent urns the future? Remains to be seen

Earthquake science on shaky ground

Labour MP promotes winter jabs

Local selling Cuban food, drink and cigars becomes Castro pub

Millions still without power in Russia

Rebekah Vardy says "Best of five?"

Tugendhat's out of the ring

UK sperm still mostly produced by hand


dominic_mcg    


Not my King! But I like the look of those sausages!

Starmer: I won't raise taxes for working people... but Rachel will...


eppursimuove   


American storm alert upgraded to “Whoa, dude”

Shock as Scottish man lives to 69


Granger 

            

For you, Tommy, ze war is just starting, says Lampard

I ain't done with those bits yet, says Kentucky 'Lararus'

Speech free, for all who agree with me, says Musk


Hokeyloki     

     

US Election: both parties concerned about floating voters in Florida


ian searle       

   

BBC apologises to Davros for his treatment by Dr. Who

Inventor of the rotisserie is turning in their grave

Tory party rethink support for Israel after they start bombing banks


jim Skinz   

         

Elderly nuns to star in action movie Old Habits Die Hard

Had Haigh been on the whisky?

Have I Shot News For You

Keyboard-maker praised for putting in a shift

New Book on the history of Crisps reviewed: There's not much in it

Prisoner with premature-ejaculation qualifies for Early Release Scheme

Shifty Aides of Gray


Joe       


Red tape scrapped. It’s all CD’s now

Storm blown out of proportion


leeboy007    

     

Classic 60's spy movie gets vegetarian remake - The Eat Cress File


Lockjaw


Cheddar thieves are currently gorging themselves

Retired ventriloquist still likes to keep his hand in

Sooty and Sue have an open marriage. No strings attached

Strictly sponsored by Go Compare

Who is Amber Warnings, and what has she got against Britain?


mcdabble         

 

'Feels like 14 years already' says Starmer

Giant pumpkin arrested for stalking

Harris challenges Trump to an IQ test

Makers of obesity drug expect fat profit

'Not worth doin a crime any more' says homeless man, 'You're out in no time'

Smart TV refuses to show Love Island


Micca   


Illegal Peruvian immigrant discovered in London station is handed UK passport


Modelmaker    

 

Invitation to Tory reunion party. Bring your own boos

Kris Kristofferson doesn't make it through the night

Kwikipedia: A comprehensive guide to the world's red light districts

Only one direction for Liam Payne after balcony fall

With Tugendhat gone, Badenoch and Jenrick team up to box Cleverly


MrQ     


All of Starmer's decisions so far described as complete no-brainers

Builder gets spanner lodged in throat after downing tools

Convict thrown from van on way to prison in record breaking early release

Interest rates drop to 0%... In Tory leadership race

Local dog-sitter flattened hundreds of pups

Man with a chip on his shoulder attacked by seagulls

Pickpocket claims he was crowdfunded

Reeves sets up GoFundMe page

Sadistic cult hold an open Mike night

Thousands expected to attend march against marches

Thousands of kids with special knees may have been mis-diagnosed

Toddler claims front crawl title

Trapeze artist sick of drawing the same thing

Trump vows to protect women whether they like it or not

UK's leading ologist has no idea what he specialises in

Woman who wants to have her cake and eat it buys two cakes

Woman with ladder in her tights nicked for shoplifting in B&Q


Not Titus    

       

Peace keeping - what's that? asks Netanyahu


Scribbles      

      

Amnesiac can’t remember what his hobby is, but campanologist rings a bell

Archaeologist's career is in ruins

At the World Invisibility Championship, there was only one clear winner

Comedian admitted to hospital after a funny turn

Could Matthew Perry’s doctor BE any more guilty?

Cow complains of sexual assault. Police believe local vet may have had a hand in it.

Criminal with Velcro flies says he fears getting caught by the fuzz

Cutting OAP’s heating allowance was 'green initiative to reduce carbon emissions', says Starmer

Explorer who visited North and South Pole is diagnosed as bipolar

Flamboyant waistcoat maker says his designs go over the top

Gay man who caught elasticated braces on closet door came out 57 times

GP who diagnoses based on 1st letter of patient’s name says it’s only an initial assessment

Man enters 11th hour of 5-minute DIY task

Man says working as a carpet fitter brought him to his knees

Man who ‘always goes the extra mile’ sacked from taxi driver job

Man who fights fire with fire sacked from the Fire Service

Man who slept with baby goats charged with kidnapping

Onanist arrested after coming under police scrutiny

Onanist gardener says his hobby is coming up roses

Onanist MP says he often comes up against members of the opposition

Printer admits it hasn’t run out of ink, it’s just taking the p!ss

Reports of gang of elderly men repairing shoes turned out to be a load of old cobblers

Scientists combine Viagra with Mr Sheen, for men who want to rise and shine

Sexually frustrated baker was fired for using his loaf

Shock as medical procedure reveals Jeremy Clarkson has a heart

Shock as Mrs Brown’s Boys star attempts comedy

Woman can’t decide between holiday in Monaco, or a boob job. Monte-Carlo or bust?


Sketchly        

     

Alex Salmond’s body has returned to Glasgow ahead of a private battering

Matchstick makers petition for right to strike

Referee blacklisted by FA for whistle-blowing

Russia fines Google ALL of the money

Strange drone over the Pentagon revealed to be a broadcast of Keir Starmer’s speech

Trump already demanding a recount and a second election

Where to look to see the comet passing by for the first time in 800,000 years. Up


SteveB 


An eye for an eye, a tooth for 11,000 children

Flannelling world champion throws in the towel

Hamas leader Yahya Sinwar accidentally killed during military campaign against Gazan children

'I would bite King Charles' hand off' says sausage lover

London Eye 'on the blink'

Mount Everest loses 1 foot in 1 day

New Chelsea formation includes two players pre-sent-off

Think tank accused of Thoughtcrime


Titus     


Hawk-Eye to replace line judges? You can NOT be serious!!

New fiscal rules - debt isn't debt, if you're a Labour government

Tory party lumbered with choice between two Liz-Truss-calibre leadership candidates



Writer's pictureThrongsman
Sep 30

Newsbiscuit Writer of the Month September 2024



Deskpilot has won the monthly crown again, closely pursued by eppursimuove, Doctor Chutney, Wren and last month's winner SteveB. As usual the cartoon of the month is linked to below and all the headlines published this month as well.





Front Page, News in Brief and Features


billclay



Chipchase




Chrisf





DavidH



Deskpilot





Doctor Chutney







eppursimuove













FlashArry



Hokeyloki



ian searle



jeremynh








Lockjaw



mcdabble



Modelmaker





Newsbiscuit Editorial Team



Not Titus



PaulD



Robowurzel



scribbles




SteveB









Stewartbarclay




Sully





Sydalg



tacitus







Throngsman





Titus




Wrenfoe












Cartoon of the month goes to Modelmaker with First day at school

Headlines


apepper        

     

Donor who paid for Boris Johnson's clothes pleads to be kept anonymous

Fury as England manager won't sing "two world wars and one world cup" before German international

Harrods to receive Royal Warrant from Prince Andrew

Inventor of rear view mirror looks back on his career


Ashbery    

         

NASA: stranded astronauts exposed to Van Allen radiation belt "unlikely" to possess superpowers


benvoleo 

          

Paddington retired after meeting Queen says Beefeater hatter


billclay 


Kuenssberg allows Labour just one more week to use public finances black hole excuse


Deskpilot      

     

' ' goes without saying

All GCSE students to get £20k accommodation grant

Busy taxidermist is working at full pelt

Choking is often caused by going down the wrong way

Defeated snooker player chalks it up to experience

Exhausted electrician is spark out

Grimy coal miner longs for a clean break

Hacked railway departure board more accurate than the real one

Joe Biden 'assassination attempt' just an accident with a stapler

Keir explains what's at the end of the tunnel: it's Europe

More Labour MPs admit to a accepting free Y fronts

Nail biting finish at World Anxiety Awards

New hospital ratings: Poor, Inadequate, Shameful, Broken

NHS launches smear campaign

NHS reform: all forms to be redesigned

Ofsted one word grading system 'inadequate'

Photo of arable farm may have been cropped

Prince Andrew's summer hols: St Helena then Elba

Priti Patel enters Reform leadership contest

Retired army electrician joins the Ohm Guard

Somerset apple farm suffers cyder attack

Steeplejack is always up for it

Train strikes end. Rail service still sh!t

Trump: on the whole I'd rather not be in Philadelphia

University goes bust after spending all its funding in the first week of term


Dick Everyman  


French mushroom farmer voted World Champignon


Doctor Chutney 


Couch potatoes take heart as space 'walk' only means sticking your head out of the window

Jailed Van Gogh vandals were from Just Stop Oils

Jay Blades brings damaged reputation to The Repair Shop

Lana Del Rey and alligator tour guide wedding snaps

Released prisoners without tags. Priceless!

Starmer - the gift that keeps on receiving

Westminster R.S.P.C.A. to investigate snouts still stuck in the trough


eppursimuove   


Activists throw sunflowers at Warhol’s painting of tins of soup


Granger


Patel not sitting priti.


Hokeyloki         

 

GWR running trains instead of buses this weekend

Portsmouth harbouring Hezbollah terrorists, says Southampton

Torbay Ramblers to change name from Walkie Torquay


ian searle      

    

Avafondle & Clutch

Drone operator charged with controlling behaviour

Happy 50th Birthday Ceef..... PAGE LOADING

Lifeguard Training School goes bust. Auditors say there were a lot of 'red flags'

Reform UK conference just like a Trump rally, but without the sniper

Starmer calls for a ceasefire in Lesbian


jeremynh   

        

Cackling Mossad agents put itching powder in Hezbollah socks


jim Skinz       

     

Cockermouth to host UK fellatio championships

Football stadium architect admits he's lost the dressing room

Oasis tell disappointed Cambodian fans: Don't look back in Angkor

Secretive Lancashire group complain "It's like Blackpool illuminati in here"

Starmer asks wife to play hide the hostage


Joe     

  

Customs huge epilepsy medication seizure

Germany has gone so far right, it's now in Poland

Largest Chemical Factory in England has toxic atmosphere

Supermoon revealed to be normal moon that's not wearing glasses

Tax evasion takes Shein off


Jonnyjp


If being racist makes me racist then I'm racist, says racist


Lockjaw


AlliBnB


mcdabble  

        

All UK housebuilders in danger of collapse, says survey

Barnsley council ensures their bus company succeeds by making all roads into bus lanes

Dictionary defines 'So' as 'Erm' for the more intelligent speaker

Govt Abandons Hole Idea

Harvey Weinstein has heart surgery: to put one in

Insect-based food creates buzz

Joy in Brexit camp as Barnier annoys French just as much

Met Office say coolest Summer since 2015 nothing to do with Oasis

Starmer's plan to fix the economy: More politics


Modelmaker     


Dentists' Union told to stop advocating "One out, all out" policy

Nuneaton restaurant closes after first week

Sturgeon attempted to gift Starmer a motorhome before she stood down as SNP leader


MrQ    

 

Arthur Pint accused of being a lightweight

M25: Same car at both front and back of 117 miles of traffic

Outrage as man calls a spade something else

Road Closure: The M1 was closed yesterday due to an accident. They were supposed to close the M11

Wall's offer to sponsor next Labour Party conference


PaulD   


Gallagher brothers reunite to create world's longest eyebrow


PaulL    


Planned trip to Keswick Pencil Museum confirmed


robowurzel   

    

Origami Monthly magazine folds after first issue


Rowly   


Corbyn proposes £350 autumn cooling off payment for pensioners

ISS astronauts complain to Ofcom, they can't even get 1G

Prisoners stage a "lock in" as protest to overcrowding


Scribbles       

     

Dame Maggie Stiff

Explosion in chicken coop: farmer left with egg on his face

Globetrotting stamp collector says philately gets him everywhere

lens grinding machine has made a spectacle of himself

Man addicted to laxatives is diagnosed with Ass-purger’s syndrome

Swiss clinic opens for suicidal donkeys – Dignitass


Sketchly      

       

Adamant not to u-turn, Starmer considers turning left and left again

Chicken about to cross the road invites hedgehog to be his flat-mate

Chinese navy to introduce the nuclear pedalo

OAP protest at Downing St fails as they’re all still waiting for a bus

Second assassination attempt on Trump was absolutely most definitely not a plan to boost his ratings


SteveB


Darth Vader returns to helping children cross road with Bristolian accent

Dog on commission to sniff out treasure didn't get a cent

Group hug request with King Charles was to avoid shaking that hand

Surprising French edible sexy underwear shop called Boo! Lingerie

Wife who suffocated husband with duvet pleads 'not quilty'


Stewartbarclay


Donald Grump


tacitus  


Sausages deny links to Gaza


Titus     


Noise at door of spacecraft found to be Jehovah's Witnesses

Schools to ban pagers as well as phones

Springfield - Santa's Little Helper still hiding from hungry immigrants

'Washing Weekly' only available on-line


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