- Lockjaw
- Mar 4, 2024
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A man with a van says he got more than he bargained for when doing a recent Billericay house clearance. Dave Collins claims he was magically transported to a fantasy land where he lived as King for two decades.
We caught up with Dave and his business partner Steve.
'There was this big wardrobe in a bedroom. So I opens the door, like, and next thing I'm standing in a snowy wood along with some little geezer a bit like a horse who tells me his world's going down the shitter and needs my help,' Mr Collins says.
He insists twenty years then passed during which he joined forces with a godlike talking lion named Alan to fight an evil Ice Queen, ending up leading an army of magical creatures in a fierce battle against her forces of evil.
'We offed the Ice Queen, I was crowned King, married this well-fit princess bird and was living happily ever after until one day I wandered into a room in my palace and the wardrobe was there. I touched the door and was suddenly back in Billericay.
'Steve says I'm talking bollocks because he'd only just shot down the chippy for five minutes to get us a couple of pies for lunch. So how could all that time have passed? But it's true. Honest.'
Sipping a coffee Steve comments: 'I know Dave swears this really did happen, but as I told him at the time. Maybe lay off the wacky backy when we're at work, mate?'
SpaceX plans to launch the world’s biggest ever rocket in a laughable attempt to prove once and for all that Elon Musk’s overblown sense of self importance isn’t actually detectable from orbit.
The huge launch device known as Mikok 1 should thrust upwards into the moist Texan atmosphere, carrying a payload of highly sophisticated optical instruments, including the world’s biggest set of reverse binoculars.
A team of the company’s top space scientists and sycophants will continue to go over the meticulously planned launch, covering every facet of the rocket’s expected trajectory in minute detail. A difficult operation made all the more treacherous as mission critical staff kept getting fired via their Twitter accounts at random intervals.
The project was conceived in 2021 after two other pointless billionaires, Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson both put their lives where their money was and blasted into orbit from the safety of a well set up TV studio, which was only slightly more convincing than Channel 4’s 2005 series, Space Cadets.
It is hoped that the success of this mission will enable SpaceX to continue deeper into the cosmos, where Mr Musk is believed to be in heated discussions with God’s legal representatives about a potential hostile takeover of monotheism.
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