More fake news from the NB archives

6th cent. BC. Buddha gets idea for reincarnation while visiting recycling centre.

33 AD. Jesus crucified, asks to be buried with 10kg of self-raising flour.

c. 150 AD. Ptolemy proves world is round. Shops that sold models of Earth now calling them "frisbees".

1450. Renaissance pauses for half-time break so people can clear backlog of witches and heretics to be burned.

1453. Guinness Book of Records congratulates England and France on completing Hundred Years' War.

1560. Nostradamus correctly predicts the Trump presidencies, but realises they are just too far-fetched for publication

1707. Act of Union - apparently. Scotland wakes up in bed beside England with huge hangover and no idea how it got there.

1842. Victorian society is shocked by the first Pirelli calendar, which features pictures of pianos with particularly attractive legs

1854. Alfred Tennyson in secret talks with Light Brigade: 'You provide the charge and I'll provide the poem.'

1901. Death of Queen Victoria sparks constitutional crisis as King Edward too fat to fit on stamp.

1919. Humiliating peace terms for WWI losers at Versailles, whereby Britain allowed to make one 12-part sitcom per year about beating Germany.

Includes contributions from FlashArry and deskpilot

Photo credit stockcake: museum-dinosaur-exhibit_262824_51875

A few more snippets from NB archives

1912. Guardian leads with "Rare Endangered Iceberg Feared Damaged After Collision With Ship".

1933. Austrian immigrant overcomes prejudice and bigotry to become Chancellor of Germany.

1936. Edward VIII forced to abdicate in favour of brother after Bank of England accidentally puts George's face on 1,000,000,000 pound notes.

1938. Neville Chamberlain describes meal he shared with Hitler. "Peas in our thyme" remark widely misunderstood.

1939. Berlin branch of WH Smith notes sharp rise in sale of Polish phrasebooks.

1940. French become Surrender Champions of Europe and hold title for four years running.

1945. Führexit.

1945. Surviving residents of Nagasaki reassured to know sudden spike in temperature not due to climate change.

1956. Busload of bewildered Dynorod men stranded in Egypt due to "sewers crisis" mixup.

1960. Unbanning of Lady Chatterley fuels huge rise in demand for rough rural sex. Harold Macmillan tells gamekeepers: "You've never had it so good".

1969. In US, millions burn draft cards to avoid being sent to moon. On landing, Armstrong utters famous words, "It's grim up here but at least it's not Vietnam".

1980. Millions turn out to celebrate election of first Geriatrican-American president.

2001. "Three-point turn" to replace "Dodge the Twin Towers" in test for Saudi pilot licence.

Image: Taylor Flowe (@taypaigey) | Unsplash Photo Community

Staunch Tory demands more suffering be caused to others

However hard the government bends over backwards to appease its core vote, a dyed in the wool true blue forever Conservative voter continues to be dissatisfied with the amount of pain being caused to those around him.

Gyles Tebbit from Surrey barked, 'This is just not good enough. I expect more. I expect more pain. I expect more suffering. I expect more wails of agony from those around me. This isn't what I didn't vote for.

'What this government needs to do is to get up off its lazy arse and get someone else to start sticking the knife in properly. I didn't not fight in World War II for this. Our Maggie had the country in absolute meltdown and all of us pummelled into submission in half the time. None of this u-turn nonsense you see today.

'I want every last foreigner kicked out. I want everyone coming over here taking our jobs and our women deported to Rwanda. And then I want every last one of our women back in their kitchens making babies. I want the kids of today rid of once and for all. I want everyone on strike sacked. I want everyone in work sacked. I want the unions crushed. I want the NHS dismantled. I want all those meddling greenies locked up. I want the poor taxed out of existence. I want the welfare state pulverised. I want the economy destroyed. I want full on hard red, white and blue Brexit done properly from the start. And bring back mandatory hanging for everyone.'

Now clear off. I'm a very busy and important man who needs to get into my German SUV, race to my local Italian, knock back a few French reds, call my Greek tax accountant from my Dutch mobile, and then fly to my second home in Spain.'

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