.
top of page
Search
As if the nurses, postmen, and teachers going on strike wasn’t enough, shock news has emerged from the English training camp in Qatar.
"The lads have had enough", said England trade union representative Tommy Studs. “They’re going on strike. The FA have forced them to kick footballs in temperatures of over twenty degrees, give press conferences at the drop of a hat and listen to Gareth Southgate drone on for a fortnight."
It's only the second time that the England international football team will have gone on strike since it was founded in 1872. The first strike was in 1908 in Saxe-Coburg when Captain Sir Digby Rawlinson was sent off for not offering the opposing captain a glass of port at half-time.
Mr Studds was adamant the players had a strong case. "Things have come a long way since Captain Rawlinsons' gentlemanly heroics back in the day," he argued before adding, "but the football association seems to take the players for granted. They're only offering the boys ten million quid each, the use of a complimentary gold-plated jacuzzi back at the hotel, and insist on making efficiencies by reducing the number of highly trained sports data and strategy analysts to 367.
On top of that, they expect them to play the French. How underhand and diabolical can you get?"
Image: coombesy | Pixabay
Rings, stones and charms with magical powers have asked for some documentary evidence to support football commentators' constant claims that particular players are the undoubted talismans of their teams.
The news comes after a proliferation of so-called talismans at the 2022 World Cup, with concerns that any fertility-enhancing or personal protective powers of the mysterious objects are being watered down by their constant association with earthly characters such as Ronaldo or Gareth Bale.
'Ronaldo is a decent player and all, and his stepover is certainly something that can generate momentary awe and admiration', said Mike McBride, a 300-year-old amulet sniffily. 'But can he fend off evil, and repel snakes and scorpions by merely existing? I think not'.
'Lionel Messi and Kevin de Bruyne may be able to bring a dull game to life with a moment of deft skill and raise the performance levels of those around them on the pitch through an almost osmosis-like process', continued McBride.
'But as far as we're aware none of them any accredited courses to progress through our professional standards framework and reach approved talisman status. They're cowboys, pure and simple'.
In other news, footballers said to be 'putting in a shift' at the World Cup will be expected to submit detailed timesheets to back up any claims that have been made about their prodigious effort and application on the pitch.
bottom of page