Double vouchers inside

Nike sues England goalkeeper Mary Earps for wearing Earps shirt

Head of Cruelty to Women at Nike's global PR & Strategy agency, Tammy Wincemaker, confirmed, 'We take the manufacture of fake Nike merch very seriously. Nike brand values must be protected at all costs. Those brand values include that women cannot have what we automatically do for men.

'Nike has evidence of several Earps England goalkeeper jerseys in existence. The reason we know they must be fake is because we refused to make any genuine replica Earps shirts, so we can be certain that any in existence are illegal. We will bring to bear the full weight of international trademark protection law on one individual in particular, by the name of Mary Earps. We have learned that she has "saved a lot" so we are going to take her for everything she's got.

'Anyone else wearing Earps shirts will also be sued, regardless of whether they claim to be 7-year-old girls who really like football and want to support one of their favourite players. We need to send a clear message to anyone, no matter how young, that the most important thing in football is Nike. And that the worst criminal offences anyone can commit in the whole world is to manufacture, distribute or wear merchandise Nike has claimed the exclusive rights to and then not made. There is literally nothing worse a person could do.

'There are two very clear reasons for this. Firstly, Nike has a reputation to maintain of pretending to support women's football, while at the same time not really caring. Secondly, we stand to make more money from suing fans for making their own clothing than we could ever have made from producing and selling them ourselves.'

image from pixabay

Sunak describes celebration he had planned if Lionesses had won

Standing outside No.10, the Prime Minister listed all the things he had planned that were now not going to happen. “Not only was everyone going to get an extra Bank holiday, but we might also now have to cancel the one next week. I was personally going to fund street parties and pay for all the sad party food that you lot consider special. The completion of those hospitals is now postponed, due to poor defending. And inadequate marking has led to no pay raise for the public sector for many years to come.”

Waving a sealed envelope, he added “Well, the fully costed celebration plan will just have to be shredded now, no need to look at all the nice things you now can’t have.”

“Maybe having a woman in a managerial position of that kind of importance was a mistake and Sarina Wiegman is a bit out of her depth. Anyway, maybe have a word with her about not getting the gift vouchers I was going to send to every UK citizen.”

“Quite frankly, I am glad I didn’t go out there and watch the match, looking at the damage they have done to the UK economy.”

He then turned around, and hummed a little tune to himself as he went back inside

image from pixabay