Outlook better still be down on Monday fume office workers

'I was going to blame this outage for the fact I haven't done any work for most of the last 6 months.' said office worker Gary Grimthwaite, who loathes his job, both privately and publicly.

'I bet those dweebs will be in at the weekend fixing it too, so on Monday morning I'll be able to work as normal. I wonder how long I could claim it still isn't working for me. I reckon I could buy at least a day. There's a Bergerac double bill later.'

IT Manager Amy Armstrong said, 'It's a worldwide problem, so I can't do anything about it. Apart from claiming the overtime for supposedly working on a solution. And the credit for turning our servers off and on again.'

CEO Clementine Carruthers fumed, 'This just proves that working from home is morally wrong. The plebs should be in an office where I can secretly monitor them on CCTV from my yacht in international waters. What is Outlook anyway? I do all my communication on the Dark Web. Nothing dodgy.'

Carruthers' PA sighed, 'I changed the background colour of her laptop to black and told her it was the Dark Web. And she's definitely going to jail.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Insects say fewer sightings down to sick-note culture and working from home

A wet Spring and Summer have been blamed for the lack of many insects usually seen in British gardens. However, sources from the bugs themselves have blamed the workshy and a culture of working from home.

A furious butterfly, Neville, was pretty scathing about his fellow lepidoptera. 'Some of them just can't be bothered to get out of their cocoon. "Oooh, sorry, it's my agoraphobia", or "My knees play up something wicked in this wet weather." It means the rest of us are flitting from flower to flower, twenty-four seven, just to keep production steady. It's the butterfly effect.'

Susan, not her real name, a honey bee, told us amber nectar supplies were well below average thanks to her colleagues 'skiving'. "They know all the buzz words. If it's not Group B Strep it's Hepatitis B. What I say is take some Beechams and get your lazy thorax out of that hive!"

Ant colonies have not fared much better. We spoke to Ant, his real name, who blamed the pandemic. "We have a group of shirkers who were forced to stay at home, got a liking for working in their pants, and it's an uphill task now to get them to leave."

However, the most severe criticism seem reserved for mayflies. "Pond scum the lot of them." exclaimed a somewhat laboured water boatman. "Rock up for a day and then you never see them again."

Image: Wix AI

Britain running out of space to bury bodies, warn serial killers

The country's psychopaths have been warning they will have to resort to cremation by 2030 if the present rate of unsustainable development continues. Some have suggested putting a "Bundy belt" of green space around every urban area where bodies can be disposed of.

"We can't hope to compete with the US if people don't stop covering the country in ugly housing estates and motorways", says one exasperated strangler. "In America a killer can just hop in his pickup truck with his corpse and shovel, follow directions from voices in his head, and before he knows it he's in the wilderness".

"Their psychos can rack up body counts faster than Boris Johnson impregnates women", he continues. "But it looks like Britain will always be a country of single-figure losers".

However, another loner who did not wish to be named has called on murderers to stop whinging and waiting for the nanny state to solve their problems. "Commuting 100 miles with a body in the boot is so 2019", he sneers as he concretes over his patio for the third time this month. "It's time we got used to the concept of working from home".

Image: https://stablediffusionweb.com/

www.newsbiscuit.com