In echoes of Norman Tebbit

Outlook better still be down on Monday fume office workers

'I was going to blame this outage for the fact I haven't done any work for most of the last 6 months.' said office worker Gary Grimthwaite, who loathes his job, both privately and publicly.

'I bet those dweebs will be in at the weekend fixing it too, so on Monday morning I'll be able to work as normal. I wonder how long I could claim it still isn't working for me. I reckon I could buy at least a day. There's a Bergerac double bill later.'

IT Manager Amy Armstrong said, 'It's a worldwide problem, so I can't do anything about it. Apart from claiming the overtime for supposedly working on a solution. And the credit for turning our servers off and on again.'

CEO Clementine Carruthers fumed, 'This just proves that working from home is morally wrong. The plebs should be in an office where I can secretly monitor them on CCTV from my yacht in international waters. What is Outlook anyway? I do all my communication on the Dark Web. Nothing dodgy.'

Carruthers' PA sighed, 'I changed the background colour of her laptop to black and told her it was the Dark Web. And she's definitely going to jail.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Americans ‘proud’ of their craven submission to workplace bullies

In an otherwise divided America, workers have united to praise America’s feudal employment laws.

‘We’re not pussies like you Europeans’, said one American, probably called Brad or something. ‘We work hard, we play hard. If our manager wants to f*ck us up the ass – well, that’s the American way. Most Europeans wouldn’t survive a week in an American company.’

Most Europeans agree, citing such effete frivolity as employment law, the right to some kind of a life and self-respect, a concept which has yet to make it across the Atlantic.

Brad, or whatever his name is, disagrees: ‘Listen, if Elon – or any rich guy, basically – demands to know what I achieved last week so he can sack me on a whim – well, that’s what made America great.

Have you seen that picture of the guys sitting on a girder in the sky? That’s America. Scared of heights? So plummet to your death, weakling. We’ll applaud.

Britain used to be great, too – you had those chimney sweeps, they were fantastic. And I saw four guys from York Shire on the TV talking about living in a newspaper in a septic tank. I passed their details to HR – they sound like they’d fit right in here’.

Picture credit: Wix AI