Trump blames diversity for the lack of diversity

Having blamed all of America's ills on disabled parking and gender neutral cup holders, the President explained that the real reason we had so few minorities in The White House was checks notes because we have so many minorities in The White House. According to Trump, an excess of Mexicans had led to a bottleneck at The White House gates, making it impossible for fellow Mexicans to come in, so they could be deported in an orderly fashion.

He further elaborated, that plane collisions were caused by Woke air traffic controllers, the AI stock crash was the result of taking the knee and the Ukraine War could have been avoided if Ukraine had not been so busy with pronoun badges.

Through a series of hastily worded Tweets, Trump made it clear that Cancel Culture was forcing him to ban certain groups. Affirmative Action was really Negative. And the Me Too Movement was just asking for it.

Online uproar as advert for multiracial trans-dance group features cars

Trans-dance group, Binary M, have come under criticism this week for pandering to a temporary mass interest in the automobile. The group, with over a century of history and seen as an elite global name in trans-dance group innovation and design, released a markedly different concept in the genre’s advertising type. The advert featured a seemingly unrelated montage of sleek, expensive motor vehicles slickly handling mountain passes at speed.

'Go bloke, go broke,' wrote one puzzled observer. 'Ha. Binary M have just hit the self implode button. What the f*ck do luxury cars have to do with gender non-specific voguing moves? Don’t forget to close the door on your way out, Binary M. C*nts.' There was unpleasantness, too. Hitler’s bunker scene in Downfall was re-edited to paint the now deceased dictator as the harried Binary M marketing manager following release of the ad. 'We’ll play the advert in sports bars during Premier League matches,' says Hitler, his hands shaking, as beautiful secretaries stifle sympathetic tears.

Marcus Q, former wanker from the Face magazine, tried to put the advert into socio-historical context. But what he said was too insubstantial to repeat. Meanwhile, the Binary M social media team has been doubling down, hoping to gain traction in the male 50 to 70 year old 'bandwidth'. Their IG account led from the front with a sequence of cis-white male icons from the past, including John Wayne, Harvey Proctor, Keith Allen, and Orville. The household names were pictured driving various six-figure cars away from their family homes above the legend, 'I’m transitioning to the pub.'

Eventually Marcus Q made some sort of sense. 'You can come back from this. But Binary M will have to offer up a patsy, someone traditional to apologise to the base. A Richard Hammond swigging a Bud and debasing himself with an apology to this generation.' Richard Hammond, currently filming a series of racist jokes, was unavailable for comment.

Image: WixAI

Guardian staff to receive counselling for bad weather

Following the Guardian’s decision to offer counselling to staff upset by Donald Trump’s victory in the US election, it has been decided to expand the programme to cover other things which may trouble north London’s most delicate flowers.

First to apply was the paper’s environment correspondent, Esperance Tzatziki, who complained that the lovely walk on the Heath she had planned for the weekend had been spoiled by the weather. Senior staff were initially unsure if this really merited counselling, until she pointed out that it was probably due to climate change, at which point they heartily agreed it must have been very upsetting for her. She then requested further counselling on the grounds that their initial scepticism had compounded the original trauma.

Next up was star columnist Pippi Longstocking, who said her journey to the office had been marred by the presence on the train of some ghastly football supporters. When it was pointed out the paper does cover football, she said, 'Yes, but only with snide articles about the game being ruined by money, nothing any actual football fan would want to read.' Her claim was also accepted.

Third came the paper’s racial justice correspondent Batti al Wakko, who said that merely being around all these white people in the office was very oppressive for her. The paper accepted her claim, and then apologised for not doing so earlier, before she had even made it.

'Look, I’m obviously not going to complain,' said Islington-based therapist Rachel Greenblatt. 'I’ve never been so busy. I’ve had to take on a full-time receptionist, just to make sure the waiting room always has a wide selection of Fairtrade coffees and the right brand of mineral water.

'Of course, it does mean my work with survivors of rape and sexual assault has had to take a back seat. But they never paid as well as the Guardian anyway.'

Photo by stockcake: rainy-day-commute_480925_330947