More fake news from the NB archives

6th cent. BC. Buddha gets idea for reincarnation while visiting recycling centre.

33 AD. Jesus crucified, asks to be buried with 10kg of self-raising flour.

c. 150 AD. Ptolemy proves world is round. Shops that sold models of Earth now calling them "frisbees".

1450. Renaissance pauses for half-time break so people can clear backlog of witches and heretics to be burned.

1453. Guinness Book of Records congratulates England and France on completing Hundred Years' War.

1560. Nostradamus correctly predicts the Trump presidencies, but realises they are just too far-fetched for publication

1707. Act of Union - apparently. Scotland wakes up in bed beside England with huge hangover and no idea how it got there.

1842. Victorian society is shocked by the first Pirelli calendar, which features pictures of pianos with particularly attractive legs

1854. Alfred Tennyson in secret talks with Light Brigade: 'You provide the charge and I'll provide the poem.'

1901. Death of Queen Victoria sparks constitutional crisis as King Edward too fat to fit on stamp.

1919. Humiliating peace terms for WWI losers at Versailles, whereby Britain allowed to make one 12-part sitcom per year about beating Germany.

Includes contributions from FlashArry and deskpilot

Photo credit stockcake: museum-dinosaur-exhibit_262824_51875

Vance Denies Supporting Witch Trials

American vice-presidential candidate JD Vance has provided a positive blurb for a forthcoming book that advocates for the return of witch trials in the United States. Publication of the book, entitled Let's Bring Back Witch Trials in the United States, has now been delayed.

Vance's campaign has tried to distance the embattled Ohio Republican from the contentious volume. ‘JD Vance is too busy combatting the global menace of woke wokeism to read the titles or contents of the books he endorses,’ said a campaign spokesperson.

The book argues that witch trials have been unfairly tarred by ‘the America-hating left-wing press,’ and that the trials were ‘a humane and effective way of forestalling Satan's manipulations of the weaker sex.’ The book concludes that ‘burning at the stake’ remains ‘an appropriate sanction’ for convicted witches, and that America's abandonment of the controversial punishment ‘was the first disastrous step on the path to today's fatally flawed culture of permissiveness.’

When asked whether Vance agreed with the views expressed in the book, the Vance spokesperson said, ‘JD Vance never shies away from contemplating the hard truths about our sick society.’ The spokesperson called back a few minutes later to ask, ‘Can I change my answer to no comment?’

Desperate to be rid of the scandal-plagued Vance, the Trump presidential campaign is beginning to consider extreme measures. 'Maybe we can maroon him on the international space station, or better yet, get him stuck in New York City traffic,' said a source with the campaign as he commenced what he called his ‘regularly scheduled day drinking.'

https://pixabay.com/photos/witch-night-fairy-tale-fly-2111014/

https://www.newsbiscuit.com/

Rachel Reeves says Wicked Witch had to make 'tough decisions'

The Chancellor said that the Witch was much maligned, and was working within specific financial constraints when she tried to kill Dorothy. Her spokeswoman explained: 'The fact is, the Wizard of Oz left significant debts, having insisted in making his city out of Emerald rather than bricks'.

Cutting off winter fuel payments to the citizens of Oz and privatizing the yellow brick road, were prudent decisions, Reeves insisted. Yes, she could have chosen to tax the ruling billionaire witch-class but they are wealth creators, unlike the gullible munchkins who voted them in. No, it was much fairer for her to wear the ruby slippers, rather than sell them off to lift the two-child cap.

Waving her broomstick Reeves cast a spell of Austerity over the land and threatened to send her winged monkeys after any protestors. Asked if she also planned to freeze disability payments, specifically for the blind. 'I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too!'

image from pixabay