Starmer: Nuclear Armagedon will keep OAPs warm

The Government have a radical plan to heat UK homes this winter, by goading Putin into WW3. Instead of breaking tariffs and importing costly Russian gas, we will get weapons-grade nuclear energy dropped directly on our homes - for free!

The Foreign Office insisted: 'If any elderly are still alive afterwards to complain about the cost of heating, they'll have all that lovely radiation to keep them warm. Just like the Ready Brek advert where everyone glows on the inside, but with the added benefit of bleeding from every orifice.'

Despite Russia delivering the bombs for free, householders will still need to pay UK energy providers. 'We may be faced with nuclear extinction but it's still important for shareholders to turn a profit. This may be the end of all life on earth, but nationalisation? Over my dead body!'

image from pixabay

Grid will cope with power demands this winter thanks to surge of dying pensioners

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Starmer's suits, frocks and glasses are security risks

A spokesperson for number 10 has confirmed that the Prime Minister needs to accept bespoke suits, frocks for Mrs Starmer and mega-expensive glasses to reduce the security risks.

'If the Prime Minister was to use Specsavers then we would have to clear out the whole store and fill it with security personnel at huge costs to the taxpayer,' he said, explaining the rationale was the same as using a gifted box at Arsenal instead of clearing the whole of the home stands and filling them with security.

'And buying suits from M&S would be impossible, what with the Reform demographic shopping there.  We'd have to clear the store, Primark next door and half the security detail insist they'd have to stake out the Ann Summers' shop across the road just in case,' he added.

He denied Mrs Starmers' frocks were purely security concern related.  'The Chancellor has saved so much taking the Winter Fuel Allowance off pensioners she felt the PM was due a bonus.  Unfortunately, her idea of buying him football tickets, new suits or designer glasses were no-go, so she bought his missus a few fancy frocks instead,' he said.

Picture credit: Wix AI