How a micro-penis is micro-f*cking the climate

Clementine Carruthers from the Rupert Murdoch Institute for Denying Inconvenient Facts said, 'This graph I drew in crayon proves that Greta Thunberg is now a major source of climate change after she burned another right-wing, fact-sceptic, micro-penis owner. Also climate change is a hoax and Jeremy Clarkson's bitter, twisted misogyny is just saying what Rupert says we're all thinking. We're all sexually infuriated by much younger women who are articulate as well as attractive. Throwing shit at our own mortality isn't Freudian. Definitely not, Daddy.'

A tiny statement from the Micro-Penis Owners Association read, 'How dare YOU Andrew Tate, we have enough problems! The platinum memberships of Tate, plus Jeremy Clarkson and Piers Morgan are hereby downgraded. Not revoked because, after all, Andrew Tate has a micro-penis, Jeremy Clarkson is imperceptibly priapic and Piers Morgan is smoother than a sweaty Ken doll down there.'

Nasa giant new Moon rocket looks awfully like a d$ck

The space agency denied they were overcompensating but acknowledged they had accepted a sponsorship deal with Viagra. The new rocket is twice as large as the space shuttle, but only half as long as Errol Flynn.

To a packed conference, NASA said: ‘Yes, it’s got length. But it’s also got girth. Stop giggling at the back! It’s got 15% more thrust. Stop it! And it is filled with spacemen, not seamen as some bright spark scribbled on my notes.

‘Frankly, this penis obsession is puerile nonsense. The kind of immature speculation you would expect from those with school-boy humour. We are very proud of Starship Dildo.’

Image from Pixabay by RJA 1988

https://pixabay.com/photos/sex-vibrator-masturbation-sexual-3261242/

Government urge wild parties to be carried out cautiously

'It's a fine balance, deciding between snogging strangers or people you work with,' admitted a government spokesman today. He also suggested that entering a busy, crowded pub has to be considered carefully before deciding 'sod it' and ditching the face mask and ordering shots for everyone twice.

'Try not to think about what you would do at home - that should be a relatively safe place as you're already living and sleeping with the people you meet,' he explained. 'Better to ask yourself, "what would I do at work?" before cracking open another bottle of wine and slinging it down your neck before fondling the woman from accounts and waving your willy in the air. It's what we do in Downing Street, anyway,' he explained.

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