Jungle disease 'Farage' set to spread

The WHO has warned that an outbreak of 'Farage' could hearld a return to masks - if only to cover up his gurning face. Carried by mosquitos and British Airways, Farage is said to twice as deadly as the flu and three times as moronic as Lawrence Fox.

The disease can be spread through liquids but only craft ale. An airborne mutation has been heard on GB News and Farage can be carried through the blood, but only if you believe in racial purity.

The NHS is bracing itself for a Winter outbreak of xenophobia and losing all its foreign nurses. A doctor said: 'Be on the lookout for symptoms. Vomiting is not uncommon should you meet Farage. And the symptoms are just as bad.'

WHO wards off Ukraine invasion with brilliant Covid-based peace plan

All Russian military personnel planning to cross into Ukraine must show proof of a negative PCR test taken no more than 72 hours before entry,” said a WHO spokesman, officiously, on the steps of the organisation’s Geneva headquarters.

“Failure to do so will result in denial of entry, and heavy fines.

“In addition to this, all weapons of war must be thoroughly disinfected with approved brands of alcohol wipes. Friends and relations of Matt Hancock will be on hand at the borders to sell you these at a very reasonable price.

“We are hoping that most members of Russia’s 100,000-strong invasion force will listen to our tedious and dreary regulations, say: ‘Sod it, I didn’t want to go to Ukraine anyway - it’s a stupid place,’ and promptly desert.

“Russian troops must respect social distancing rules and remain at least two metres apart from enemy combatants," continued the official.

"That means no slaughtering using bayonets - which rather takes the fun out of it, doesn’t it, Ivan? Are you sure you want to invade?

“Military personnel will also be forbidden from gathering in groups of more than six for the purposes of ransacking villages, committing gang rapes or getting drunk on the local vodka.

“Unless you’re a high-ranking politician, of course. Then, you can gather with your all cronies in the back garden of a government mansion and throw as many wild parties as you like. Just have a quiet word with the local police chief afterwards. She’ll hush it up for you.”

Image: Clker-Free-Vector-Images | Pixabay

WHO tells women to stop drinking, particularly Sandra from Gateshead

Sandra Dodd (19) has been identified by the World Health Organisation, as the leading cause of alcohol consumption for women of child-bearing age and the one most likely to get a tattoo of a rabbit on her lady parts. It transpires that their ‘Global Alcohol Action Plan’ is just a map of Gateshead, with a big circle drawn around Sandra’s local Wetherspoon.

A WHO spokeswoman explained that the intention was not to undermine women’s rights, just Sandra’s: ‘The alcohol consumed by young women is extremely high, it’s close to 20 units a week. But if you take Sandra out of the global sample, the average drops down to 1 unit and half a dozen cheeky mocktails. Likewise, 18% of all Tyne and Wear kebabs, are eaten by Sandra over just one weekend.’

Asked why men were not being asked to make the same change to their lifestyle, the WHO said: ‘We were worried about female fertility, by contrast we can all agree that most men shouldn't breed’.

Meanwhile, Sandra resolved not to give in: ‘I’m just like Emily Pankhurst, I’m fighting the patriarchy. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to wee behind this bin, before I dance topless down the street, with a traffic cone on my head, singing ‘Ni**as in Paris’.

image from pixabay

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