Keir Starmer decides best way to distinguish Labour from the Tories is to recruit their defecting MP

WESTMINSTER, LONDON – The leader of the Labour Party, Sir Keir Starmer, dramatically announced this afternoon that he believes the foremost way to differentiate his party from the Conservatives is by welcoming their MPs to his benches with open arms.

“What finer way can there be to prove we are an entirely different beast to the government, than by accepting their ex-MPs as our own without a second thought?” asked Starmer, foolishly using up one of his six enquiries at Prime Minister’s Questions.

“The Labour Party would lead the country in an unrecognisable fashion from Boris Johnson’s rabble, as you can clearly see from our poaching of someone who voted for all his policies.”

Starmer’s revelation came as Christian Wakeford, MP for Bury South, dramatically crossed the floor of the House of Commons to join his new colleagues in the opposition ranks, sewing discomfort and awkwardness as he settled in with his union jack facemask.

“This is far easier than electing candidates of our own,” opined the Leader of the Opposition.

Prime Minister Johnson seemed unruffled by Wakeford’s departure, merely vowing to “bury the Honourable Member, and send his career south. Chortle, chortle. Good one, Boris. That should keep the plebs off my back for a bit.”

Starmer continued, “I would also like to take this opportunity to extend an olive branch across the aisle to all other political turncoats. There is nothing we in the Labour Party value more than a hearty round of infighting, followed by an evening of treachery and backstabbing. Welcome aboard Judas – I mean, Christian. You’ll fit right in.”

“These politicians, mate. They’re all the same – can’t trust any of them,” observed a man on the street.

At press time, Angela Rayner was being restrained by the entire shadow cabinet after threatening to “deck” the “Tory scum” now sitting directly behind her.

London England Great Britain House - Free photo on Pixabay

Time Team revival scheduled for Xmas 2030 TV listing

Renowned tv archaeology series Time Team is to be revived for one episode in a move designed to lift the battered spirits of the nation. The ever popular channel 4 series featured a group of archaeologists headed by comedy front man Tony Robinson using their skills to investigate a site of suspected interest. This particular episode will see the talented team taking their spades to the building site for a new drive-thru McDonalds in Downing Street in the city of Westminster.

Interest in the site first arose when a construction worker found a spectacle case embossed with the initials DC (Specsavers Barnard Castle ) in the rhododendrons in the back garden of what would have been number 10.

Archaeologist Phil Harding takes up takes up the story. “There have been all sorts of rumours about this being the seat of the UK government and bodies buried under the patio for a long time so we thought this would be a good opportunity to entertain the nation and put those silly stories to bed at the same time. I can’t say I’m terribly optimistic that we’ll find much and we have to prepare ourselves for disappointment.. You get a feeling about some places and. from what I’ve seen and heard so far I can’t believe there is going to enough evidence that this was ever an important admin centre - certainly not enough to warrant three days of digging “

To fill out the programme there will be add on features relating to the period when the site was thought to be active. These will include a laboratory sequence when an attempt will be made to carbon date three legendary characters, Jacob Rees Mogg, Nigel Farage. and Boris Johnson. Small slivers which are said to come from the heads of these individuals will be subjected to exhaustive tests.

Tony Robinson thought that viewers would be fascinated to hear the truth about these stalwarts long assumed to represent the best of the British nation. “Stories about individuals like these always arise in times of crisis” Tony said. “ King Arthur in the Dark Ages, Robin Hood in the Middle Ages and Benny Hill in the 1980’s but the findings always tend to be inconclusive. I wouldn’t be at all surprised to discover that neither Jacob, Nigel or Boris ever existed.”

Series producer Jolyon Bubbleworth was ecstatic when he spoke to NB about the programme failing to prove any of the speculation, “That failure will fit in nicely with the current national mood while at the same time helping the Brits feel better about themselves by disproving that such an unprepossessing building and such absurd people could ever have had an important role in the public life of the country” He added "Patriots will be able to hold their heads up high as they queue for their burgers.”

Archaeology Digging Searching - Free photo on Pixabay

Get more NewsBiscuit humour on Amazon

Something Similar	Christmas gift idea	Something Different
‘Invading Iraq was Lionel’s idea’ reveals younger brother Tony	For yourself?	Queen to replace Windsor Castle with a Pyramid in preparation for imminent demise

Let Freedom Ring by Covid-19

Today is the day.

Today, at last, this freedom-loving nation can cast off the shackles of lockdown, escape the clutches of oppressive government diktat, and taste the sweet nectar of fresh Covid particles.

Since the earliest days of the pandemic, down the brutal halls of Westminster, blackened by the fires of deceit and the searing coals of obfuscation…I have waited.

Since eighteenscore months ago, when Dominic Cummings first called for herd immunity, I have waited for the promise of this nation to be kept.

This promise was a vow that all viruses would be guaranteed the unimpeachable rights of life, liberty and the pursuit of the clinically vulnerable.

Millions have hidden in their homes, or gagged themselves with cloth masks in shops, in a rare period of public spiritedness and fortitude.

To this I say: never again!

So today, let freedom ring.

Let freedom ring down on the London underground, where passengers breathe particulates over one another with the force of a thousand hurricanes.

Let freedom ring on Chequers, where poor Boris Johnson is humiliatingly trapped at home.

Let freedom ring on the schools and the poorest communities where all our unvaccinated lie.

Let freedom ring.

From the busiest aisles of Tesco to the crumbling care homes of Chichester. From the heaving clubs of Soho to the pubs of Penzance, hear my rallying cry:-

Free at last, free at last, thank Boris almighty, I am free at last!

I had a dream that one day my variants and my variants’ variants would be able to sit down together at the table of a Wetherspoons in Stoke and mix freely with the public.

And that dream came true today.