Boris wins Oscar nomination for best song & dance routine in Westminster Side Story

Popular Prime Minister, Captain Showbiz himself, Boris Johnson, is up for a well-deserved award at this year's glitzy but utterly meaningless ceremony.

Westminster Side Story is a glorious musical psychodrama about a dysfunctional government that thinks all its problems can be sorted out by drinking itself to death.

'It's possibly his finest role so far, said cinema critic Matt French. 'We've seen Boris as a tram driver, a JCB driver, and a man who will draw bananas with children. He's an incredibly versatile actor, as his performance at PMQ's has proved, and he's barely put a foot wrong since his starring role in 'Lying Actually.'

'I don't think anyone would deny him the accolades his performance so richly deserves. Its a resounding testament to the power of bullshit.'

Academy Award Oscars Hollywood - Free photo on Pixabay

Anti-abuse charity ramps up its 'Go Means Go' campaign

The UK-based anti-abuse charity, E-nuforeddy, is ramping up its ‘Go Means Go!’ campaign. The charity aims to combat the growing problem of people being profoundly deaf to calls for them to leave.

Regional Manager, Sarah Longstory explained, ‘We’ve all been in situations with that one person who outstays their welcome. It’s difficult and traumatic for all involved. We need a way for the transgressor to understand and, more importantly, to act when they are being told to go.’

The campaign has been buoyed by recent successes where offending parties have finally succumbed to immense public pressure and left of their own volition. ‘However, we have to recognise that not all offenders find it easy to accept that they have to physically leave and not just look sheepish. Sometimes, it can take them time to actually hear the calls and let them sink in, even when, to you or I, it would be glaringly obvious; such as being swore at to the face or being on the front pages of the national newspapers.

‘For these people, we need a rigorous program of rehabilitation. We need to help them spot the signs, such as someone aggressively shouting ‘Resign’ or pointing out their illegal behaviour. We also need to teach them how to react accordingly. Sometimes even this is not enough and we need to employ specialist crews trained in dragging people out kicking and screaming. We are asking for donations today to fund a specialist unit urgently required in the Westminster area.'

By helenrushworth

Exit Emergency Escape - Free photo on Pixabay

Westminster man denies being Boris Johnson

A somewhat portly Westminster resident with a shock of unkempt blond hair has strongly denied being Boris Johnson today.

Speaking to reporters at the gates of Downing Street the man said: 'I am not Boris Johnson. No, no, no. Not a bit of it. Boris Johnson, moi? Erm... wait a minute, yes, that's it, Ha ha. Brilliant. I am in fact PPE salesman, Wayne Potter. I always have been and I am glad of this opportunity to clear the air at long last.

'Gosh, it feels good to get that out there. I think this Johnson fella is toxic. His behaviour is appalling. He lies at the drop of a hat, has no honour whatsoever, and as for his integrity? It's non-existent. He's an absolute chancer.

'I'm only sorry that I seem to be a bit of a doppelganger. The dead spit, if you will. Well, I am not he. Honestly, you'd scarcely believe the grief this mix-up has cost me in recent months. It's has been harrowing. "What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others," as my Ancient Greek tutor might have put it. Eh, what?

'Right then, OK, so got that everyone? I'm not Boris Johnson. Definitely not. I must dash now as I have to speak to some old doddery chap who lives in a big house in Washington about the impending war... I mean a PPE deal. Toodle-ooh.'

Boris Johnson Politician Prime - Free image on Pixabay