Nativity play fails to reach West End

The East Walthamstow mixed primary and junior C of E school has had its Christmas nativity play rejected by every West End theatre, a report in Variety states,  Despite rave reviews on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday (Tuesday's reviews were mixed when Joseph threw up on stage and Mary got a right strop on) no West End theatre is prepared to bump their current productions off and host the production written by Carl and Lindsey Edwards, both early years teachers, and Sophie Jones, dinner lady, second grade.

'The cast have shunned their coursework and rehearsed relentlessly since the end of the last half term,' pointed out Carl, 'and when they weren't rehearsing they were designing posters for the production.  We've run through a year's worth of crayons on the assumption that cost saving would be attractive to a West End theatre, but no, they just aren't interested,' he continued.

Sally Evans, 7, understudy for the role of Mary isn't concerned.  'Rhyl Theatre has made a provisional booking,' she said, eating spare bogies off her frock, 'and once we've toured the north of England too the West End won't be able to resist booking us.  You watch, our nativity will be the highest grossing Christmas play next August,' she predicted. 

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West End theatre to hold “tw@t-only” nights

The Novello Theatre in London’s West End has announced that it will hold “twat-only” performances of the musical Mamma Mia.

“The theatre can be a very judgemental space for twats,” said a spokesman for the Novello today. “They often experience unfriendly tutting and shushing from other theatregoers, when all they’re doing is taking a phone call in the middle of the show, or singing along to their favourite bits.

”There was even a case of a performer stopping in the middle of a scene and refusing to carry on, all because a twat was checking their email on a laptop.”

He said he was concerned that this unwelcoming atmosphere might discourage twats from coming to live theatre. ”Which would be disastrous, as we live in an age when only twats make enough money to afford West End shows. Imagine how far we’d have to drop the ticket prices if we had to fill the theatre with nurses and teachers.”

These special performances of Mamma Mia, which is known to have a significant twat following, will allow twats to take phone calls, check email, sing along and have loud conversations about cast members they recognise - “Oh, he was in that thing we saw, what was it called…” - to their hearts’ content.

Asked whether this wasn’t discriminatory against non-twats, the spokesman replied that anyone was capable of being a twat if they made an effort, and recommended several pubs near the theatre to get tanked up beforehand.

”This’ll have the added bonus that you’ll probably have to nip out to use the loo halfway through the first act, massively annoying everyone seated around you, a situation we in the business call ‘peak twat’.”

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New Lloyd Webber musical to examine work in the gig economy

News has leaked of a new Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, said to be already in production, which promises to expose the insecurities and precariousness of 21st century work in the theatre industry.

Whilst details are sketchy at this stage, the new musical is thought to focus on the story of a group of lead and ensemble actors, and hundreds of back stage and support workers, who find out that a hit musical they were involved in is set to end very unexpectedly, and that they have lost their jobs.

'The first half of the musical opens against the backdrop of a global pandemic, with our hero, a theatre magnate thundering out a showstopping tune about how the show must go on, and how he will risk arrest to open his theatres during a lockdown', said a source close to Lloyd Webber.

'The show opens to great acclaim but then there's this crisis point just before the end of the first half where the same billionaire theatre magnate pulls the plug on the show, and because it's a bank holiday weekend, a lot of the cast find out the news on social media', continued the source. 'I know, the plot's a bit unbelievable, but its no worse than Love Never Dies.'

'It's got everything, zero hours contracts, rampant job insecurity, a rags to riches story (well rags for most, riches for a few) and an owner who once flew across the Atlantic to vote in the house of Lords for cuts to working tax credits', said the source. 'The punters will love it'.

Like Cinderella, it's thought there'll also be some surprises hidden within scenery - this time, a revolving stage door so that cast and crew can be dismissed even more easily when the time comes.

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