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Streeting: Unemployed to be given Brazilian Butt Lift



Following on from the weight loss jab, the unemployed will also be given their own personal butt-cushion to aid with office work.


A Health Spokesman declared: ‘The greatest barrier to people rejoined the workplace, is the lack of appropriate furniture. A good butt augmentation will mean comfortable seating, a really big gluteal Implant means we can do away with the chair altogether. We want the unemployed to get off their ar$e, so they can get back on their ar$Ee. Ideally the perfect employee will be skinny, with an enormous butt and lip fillers – so they can kiss ar$e.


‘And If you are serious about your job, we suggest you also consider breast augmentation – regardless of if you are male or female -because, without a desk, you will need somewhere to rest your keyboard.’


£175,000 donations from Private Healthcare 'normal' says Streeting


Health Secretary Wes Streeting has declared around £175,000 in donations from Private Healthcare suppliers who, co-incidentally, are in line for multi-million-pound contracts from the NHS.  A spokesman for Streeting confirmed the donations were 'normal, reasonable and probably used to buy stuff', adding, 'and there's no way any British politician would be influenced when awarding contracts by any donations'.  A straw poll of Labour cabinet ministers seemed to confirm this point of view, insisting that there was 'nothing to see here'.


Some politicians routinely accept donations, sometimes in the form of hospitality, sometimes in plain brown envelopes. 'Ornate envelopes aren't value for money,' suggested the spokesman, adding, 'and are probably more traceable.'


No envelopes, plain brown or ornate, appear to have been declared this Parliament, however as Labour are keen to point out it's only been a few weeks.  



Russia threatening Nukes 'not even scary' says Streeting



With Russia rattling nuclear-tipped sabres amid their three day war in Ukraine rapidly approaching year three, UK Health Secretary Wes Streeting appears unconcerned.


'He thinks the damage that can be done to the health service by a thermonuclear conflagration is nothing compared to what the Tories did,' said a spokesman today.


'And that pales into insignificance when you look at what he's planning to do,' he added.



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