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A spokesman for Wetherspoons Pubs today asked the Government to rethink stricter PIP rules which they believe unfairly disadvantages their regular clients.


Inviting Wes Streeting to visit his local Wetherspoons, the Spokesman say he will meet drinkers or lager enthusiasts as we like to call them that that rely on PIP to keep their hydration levels up. Drinking from 11am to 7pm doesn’t come cheap and if you add in a quick Chicken Tikka, costs soon mount up.


Giving an example, he said, Big Dave (not his real name), is only slowly recovering from being triggered when a so called friend suggested that Dave could apply for a job at his local Tesco.


Despite being fully aware of Dave’s deep seated phobia of work, the friend went onto list the shifts available, some starting from as early as 10am, Dave is only now after intensive counselling starting to feel confident enough to leave the safety of his favourite booth.


What rubs salt into the wound says Wetherspoons is that all our drinkers feel betrayed, they all Voted Reform only to be stabbed in the back by Labour.


Photo by George Bakos on Unsplash



Opponents say safe guards have been watered down, but Ministers insist they have the very finest Magic Eight Ball. High Court judges will no longer determine consent, instead it will be a panel of experts, consisting of a six-sided dice, a roulette table and a pack of tarot cards.


Rather than rigorous checks, the determining factors will be are they poor, disabled and liable to leave all their money to Wes Streeting. Provided the applicant meets these strict criteria and they are sufficiently confused, then it's off to the knacker's yard.


The Bill in its current state includes provision for a large spinning 'wheel of death' to be hosted by Ant & Dec. The Minister said: 'People are upset about drawing lots, blindfolded from a bag of marbles but I say, life is random, it's a lottery. In this case, it will be a literal lottery on the BBC at 7pm. Good luck, Gran, I've got my fingers crossed!'






The NHS is to increase efficiency by changing the way that patients access healthcare.


Under new proposals, patients will have to sign up for a free ID, then use that to login to a secure NHS website and put their mobile number in, so they can receive a text with a secret code. This code can then be quoted to a robot that they call on an NHS hotline, which will allow them to choose from a menu of symptoms by pressing the phone buttons.


The answers will then be posted under a secure login on another NHS website, which will require an email account so that they can receive updates about the service. Then their answers to the multi-choice questions can be accessed by the free ID login to enable the booking of a phone consultation with a robot healthcare assistant.


'But the good news is that its still a free service,' said a government insider.

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