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President Zelensky has shown deep appreciation that the UK has observed a minute's silence to mark the sacrifices made by Ukraine, but notes that not only did the British public observe multiple minute's silences during the pandemic, mainly due to jaws dragging on the pavement, but within three months they had stood on doorsteps every Thursday clapping.
'Tanks, missiles and training are all very well, but what our troops really need are millions of British people clapping on the doorsteps every Thursday. I spoke with Boris and he reckoned it kept the virus at bay - or did he say the pay award, he was speaking very fast. Anyway, he said a good old dose of British clap was what the Ukrainian army really needs, and he insists he's ready to lead the way.'
Curry Mallet, a village of 302 in southern Somerset, has broken ranks with the rest of England’s small settlements by announcing publicly that it does not want drivers to go through it whether they drive carefully or not. A sign to this effect was put up at the entry to the village last night.
Some analysts now fear that many other harrassed hamlets may follow suit. Potentially it might lead to the worst outbreak of rural off-handness since 1976, when a dissident group of Suffolk villages asked tour coaches if they wouldn’t mind awfully not parking in the lanes by their manor houses.
‘I’m fed up with doing the polite middle-class thing,’ Curry Mallet told reporters at a press conference last night. ‘Are these townie muppets interested in my Norman church? Are they even stopping for a reasonably priced lunch at the Dog & Partridge? Are they bollocks. They’re just cutting through me to get to the bright lights of Taunton.’
Instead of welcoming careful drivers the village has erected a new sign aimed at passing motorists which simply reads: ‘Polite Notice: F*@k Off’.
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