Anger as French waste contractors announce plans to introduce annual collection schedule

NewsBiscuit understands that from next year collection of household waste by private contractors will change from fortnightly to annually.

Henri Lanois, CEO of France based waste management firm, Merde, told BBC: ‘Since ze councils sell off waste disposal to City wide-boys who then sell it to us, our raison d'etre is to make money for our investors. It is privatisation in action, non? Shareholders make a fortune and ze public suffers. As we say en France… pfft, c’est la vie, mon ami.

'And even if some previously conquered diseases reappear as a result it will be a small price to pay. Anyway, 'aven't you British got ze antibiotics these days. So... pas de problem.'

Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash

Waste disposal, the UK way

Gary, who is having an extension to his house, had a load of waste that he needed to be taken away. Delville, a local handyman, offered to take it away and dispose of it for a reasonable fee, and so Gary agreed. Later that day, Gary walked around the corner from his house and saw the rubbish piled on the pavement. He complained to Delville, who offered a refund of part of the money but claimed that he could not move the waste because he was, in his words, 'short of resource'. Gary contacted a different waste disposal contractor to remove the next load of waste. However, at the agreed time it was Delville who turned up with a truck and began loading the waste. When challenged, Delville explained that he had accepted a subcontract from the other disposal firm. He added that he was the only waste disposal operative in the area and there was 'zero chance' that anyone else would do it. Again, Gary went for a walk and found the waste dumped on a local pavement. He then hired a truck himself and began loading his waste. Delville turned up and told him to stop, as he was was not a licenced operator. Delville called the police, who told Gary that he was not allowed to transport the waste himself. 'At least I'm not as bad as the water companies' said Delville. 'I only take your money when you get the builders in.'

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Rich people not to be trusted with money

Ludicrously wealthy people are not to be trusted with money, it has emerged.

'But I want to put a solid gold didgeridoo inside a platinum trombone and then put that inside a diamond encrusted French horn, and then not let anyone blow it,' said rich people. 'Look over there. That's a foreign squirrel coming to take your job. You should hate them all for that.'

'You did that last time,' said poor people.

'No I didn't', said rich people. 'Here are some more very clever personages to tell you we never waste money and you should give us some more. Do you see how they pay for themselves?'

'Remember that empire thing where a handful of you owned half the world? Where's all the money you got from that?'

'It was cleverly invested in off-shore truffle tulips. You wouldn't understand. Now stop squandering your tuppence on eating beans to survive while I claim ownership of your feet.'

'You went to a casino last night and gambled it all on a magic goose, didn't you.'

'That's perfectly normal and what I have to do to survive in difficult times. Desperate measures call for desperate solid saffron toilets. You're impressed, aren't you? I can see it in your eyes. Your children think I'm fun and very charming. I want to buy your daughter. Tell her I'm a wealth creator and own all of the rainbows.'

'OK. But only if you promise not to copyright air.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/publicdomainpictures-14/