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Johnson insistent that he needs to read War and Peace before acting on Ukraine



A No. 10 spokesbeing has told our reporter that far from inaction over the war in Ukraine, the Prime Minister is intent on studying War and Peace in order to discover the steps that need to be taken for how the war could become peace.


All four volumes are apparently awaiting collection from the Post office after a civil servant refused to accept them as they were addressed to the Prime Minister, a post the civil servant said was a figment of a twisted imagination.


When asked when the PM intends to start reading War and Peace, the aide said "I wouldn't hold your breath, he intends to start it immediately after he's finished A la recherche du temps perdu, a novel Rupert Murdoch told him he should read, but he's stuck on page 3 at the moment, wondering where the tits are.


Previously published 27 March 2022


Image: Newsbiscuit



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Existence of Ukraine main obstacle to peace, says Russia’s former Defense Minister



The existence of Ukraine’s Constitution will prevent Kyiv from initiating peace talks with Russia and ending the war, said Russia’s former Defense Minister and current Security Council Secretary, earlier today.


'The main difficulty is their constitution prohibits negotiations on changing territorial integrity, whereas the Russian Constitution allows changing the borders, but only if they move further away from Moscow.


The remarks were made to Russian state-run media TASS, and appeared to express surprise Ukraine wants to retain control of its borders.


The former official demanded that before there could be a cease-fire, Ukraine's constitution should be amended to make it more similar to the Russian Constitution, and allow border changes in the direction further away from Moscow.


'Except for the frontline in Southern Ukraine, where for geographical reasons that would would give territory back to Ukraine. Which of course is absurd.'


Photo by Eugene on Unsplash

Boris Johnson’s six point plan to end Ukraine crisis in full




1. Boney M’s ‘Rasputin’ to be banned from all UK radio stations


2. Beef Stroganoff to be removed from the House of Commons canteen


3. A complete cultural boycott of Russian touring artists (with exceptions for hot female violinists who for some reason find an overweight, shop soiled Furby in human form inexplicably attractive)


4. Liz Truss to be despatched to Moscow in a different ethnic Russian costume each week until Putin gets fed up


5. Roman Abramovich to be limited to owning no more than five diamond encrusted helicopters, while his super yacht must be permanently moored in Weston Super Mare


6. All donations to the Conservative Party from Russian oligarchs to be paid back immediately. Except there haven’t been any, honest. Stop playing politics, let’s move on etc.



First published 8 Mar 2022



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