Junior Doctors demand a go in a golden carriage

Junior Doctors have said they would happily forget all their outrageous demands about slightly less miserable pay and slightly more acceptable working conditions, if they could just commute to work aboard a golden horse-drawn carriage down The Mall, through Admiralty Arch, along Whitehall to Parliament Square.

One Junior Doctor said 'As a show of good faith, we're even prepared to use the golden carriage that is apparently more uncomfortable than the other golden carriage. Even though I work in Aberdeen, and would have to fly to London and then fly back afterwards, this would still save me money on hospital parking.'

A Tory MP boomed 'I like my healthcare like I like my expenses claims and the Guatemalan rent boys I keep locked in my basement. Private.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/analogicus-8164369/

All 18yr olds to study maths - to realise how much wages have dropped

The Government has insisted that all students need advanced numeracy to understand just how much they're being screwed over by economic policy. Explained No.10: 'It's not as simple as two plus two equals no mortgage for you. It's a complex algorithm of crisis capitalism, corporate greed and the fact that butter now costs £10 a tub.'

Remarked one confused 16-yr old: 'If inflation goes up but wages go down, how many apples am I holding?' 'None,' replied the Minister. 'You can't afford apples.' 'And if two trains are travelling at the same speed from London...' 'Let me stop you there,' interrupted the Minister. 'There are no trains, all the drivers are on strike.'

The Minister continued: 'You'll need to focus on really big numbers - particularly if you are going to calculate your level of debt'.

Nurses try luring Steve Barclay to the negotiating roulette table