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Following its unexpectedly strong showing in the Kingswood and Wellingborough by-elections, experts think they have identified the secret of the Reform (formerly Brexit) Party’s success.
'We’ve run the numbers, carried out surveys and focus groups, and the answer is clear. What appeals to the British public is to have one policy, which is to call for something that’s happened already.'
It’s thought that this insight might be capitalised on by other parties, who may start declaring themselves in favour of the millennium, the 1944 eruption of Vesuvius or the last ice age.
'Of course, one shouldn’t discount the appeal of the name Reform, which appeals to everyone’s vague sense that things could be better without the tedious necessity of spelling out what, or how you would achieve it.
'And let’s not forget, these were by-elections, in which a seaside donkey standing for the Less Fat Children Party would probably get votes, if it seemed like a risk-free way to give the government a kicking.'
‘You are stale old Tories,’ the young voter said,
‘And your policies are all very thin;
And yet you incessantly big them all up—
Because there are voters to win.’
‘In my youth,’ said the Tory, remembering hard,
‘We feared that the workers would riot
But with pub prices low now and lots on TV
I am sure they will stay pretty quiet.’
‘You won’t save the planet,’ the young voter said,
‘Your policies simply aren’t green
You keep burning coal and you licence new mines
And your search for new oil is obscene.’
‘We love using power,’ the old Tory said,
‘On cooking and heating and telly.
And so we can’t ask the voters to give it all up
They’ll simply say not on your nelly.’
‘I can’t see my GP,’ the young voter said.
‘And A&E waits are just horrid.
So poo to your policies, no good at all,
Your election results will be torrid.’
With considerable apologies to Lewis Carroll
Image: delphinmedia - Pixabay
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