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Putin looking at moving to a Bungalow




Due to the recent defenestration outbreak in Russian and surrounding Oligarch properties, Putin was seen leafing through single story property brochures. Using the excuse that having another floor is a decadent western excess and stairs are for Nazis, Putin wants to always remain at ground level rather than being accelerated into it at 9.81 meters per second. There are only so many trampolines, inflatable ball pits and old mattresses that can be positioned under windows around his dacha before a burnt-out Lada on bricks wouldn’t look out of place.


A source stated that a large dining room for Putin’s preferred table is also essential.



Putin ‘quivering’ in fear over Sunak slurs



Vladimir Putin has tasked his spy agencies with attempting to infiltrate CCHQ to find out what stinging epithets Rishi Sunak might have planned for him.


‘When Vladimir heard that the Leader of the Opposition in the Mother of Parliaments had been called “Sir Softie” he went white’, a spokesman said. ‘Putin is tough – very tough – but in the face of such genius he has no defences. He would rather wrestle with a tiger than face the famous British wit’.


A focus group spent several days brainstorming the “Sir Softie” line. Conservative clubs around the country are selling mugs and tea towels branded with the line, though we’d suggest waiting until May 2024 to buy one – they’re bound to be cheaper in the closing down sale.


Winston Churchill’s ghost is said to have stopped haunting Westminster now that he has a worthy successor. Some Shakespeare scholars have switched allegiance to Sunak, though – as with the bard himself – there is considerable debate about whether Rishi wrote the brilliant line himself. ‘I heard that Sunak only wrote part of the line, though whether that was the “Sir” or the “Softie” I can’t say’, a spokesman for the Conservative Party said.


Whoever crafted the line, we can only imagine the despair which Keir Starmer must be feeling right now – and his terror at what lies in wait for him next Wednesday. The Mother of Parliaments indeed.



Putin: "missing you already"

Xi may be the face I can't forget A trace of pleasure or regret May be my treasure or The price I have to pay Xi may be the song that summer sings May be the chill that autumn brings May be a hundred different things Within the measure of a day Xi may be the beauty or the beast May be the famine or the feast May turn each day into a heaven Or a hell Xi may be the mirror of my dream A smile reflected in a stream Xi may not be what he may seem Inside his shell Xi who always seems so happy in a crowd Whose eyes can be so private and so proud No-one’s allowed to see them When they cry Xi may be the love that cannot hope to last May come to me from shadows of the past That I remember 'Till the day I die Xi may be the reason I survive The why and wherefore I’m alive The one I’ll care for Through the rough and rainy years Me, I’ll take his laughter and his tears And make them all my souvenirs For where she goes I’ve got to be The saviour of my life is Xi Xi, Xi (with apologies to the Estates of Herbert Kretzmer & Charles Aznavour)




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