In a shock move, Russian president Vladimir Putin has made the shortlist for the BBC’s Sports Personality of the Year competition.
Joining the likes of cyclist Mark Cavendish, heptathlete Katarina Johnson-Thompson and runner Keely Hodgkinson, Putin is seen as a dark horse (which he’ll ride topless) in the annual contest.
‘We’re not quite sure how he made in onto the list,’ said a spokesman for the BBC competition. ‘I mean, I know he’s a black belt in judo and all that sort of stuff, but that’s not enough, is it? We reckon there’s been a bit of hacking going on. ‘Who’ll be nominated next? Bashar al-Assad for his skills in running away from a civil war?’
The Kremlin insisted the president’s nomination was all above board.
‘Look, you Western imperialist scum, Vlad's on the list, fair and square,’ said a spokeswoman. 'There’s no point acting like a bowl of undercooked borscht – just deal with it.’
Fellow nominees fear they might accidentally fall out of a window should Putin not triumph in the contest.
‘We’re all s*** scared,’ said one, who wished to remain anonymous. ‘He’s definitely got my vote.’
