Playing him like a fish

Putin in talks to become the next James Bond

Sources in Moscow say the Kremlin is negotiating with the internet giant Amazon about President Vladimir Putin being offered the role as the next James Bond.

The idea has come as a surprise to Amazon, who now control the James Bond franchise, as Putin is not apparently known to have any acting skills, being capable of only one menacing expression which he has performed continuously since 1989.

It is understood that the current President has not had to compete with other actors for the part. Most actors would throw themselves at the opportunity to play James Bond but now risk mysteriously throwing themselves out of a window if they dare audition for it. Putin has told friends that he would feel at home playing an agent working for the British Secret Service since historically most of their best spies all turned out to be working for Russia anyway. As for the part itself, the Kremlin believes that Putin as the new Bond will leave audiences shaken and not stirred, although perhaps also but also frothing at the mouth depending on the dose of nerve agent involved.

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Ukraine peace plan - Russian version

A spokesman from the Russian Federation has reported a version of the Ukraine peace plan that differs in some small details from the published version.

'Russia agrees to Ukraine ceasing all offensive and defensive actions for thirty days. Russia might even join in for thirty days, but not necessarily for thirty nights. Henceforth Russia agrees that Ukraine shouldn't be led to the negotiating table with her arms tied behind her back and blindfolded. The blindfold should be removed,' he said today.

Meanwhile the United States is claiming a huge success of the talks. 'What peace deal? We said piece deal, and the piece we want is the mineral piece,' said a US spokesperson, who because of the recent DEI ban is a spokesman, actually

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