Cows pissed off with always taking the blame

Scientific fingers are pointed squarely at cows who are now blamed for passing Bird Flu to humans after it jumped the species gap to mammals. Angry moovers and (milk) shakers are from across the UK Bovine offender community from Jersey to the Highlands, cattle have had enough.

They have formed a union, Cows Rising Against Persecution (CRAP), and are prepared to withhold milk, a spokescow said: 'Humans must stop squeezing our tits' #me.moo.

This latest attack comes on the back of world-wide recognition of their excessive production of methane, with the addition of other plants to their diet as a possible remedy. Cows blame this on Vegan fundamentalists, who would rather cut out the middleman and go straight for the nuts, or at least nut based milk and roasts, “This methane thing is a smoke screen, a load of bull, just hot air”.

Bovines have been plagued with TB for years and had tried to pass the buck to badgers. A Friesian spokescow mooed: “We wish to maintain our place as the most popular black and white animal in the UK countryside, if you’re looking for a scape-goat, the clue is in the name, Greatest Of All Time, my farty arse”.

Lib Dems “forgot to produce manifesto for London Mayoral candidate”

There was embarrassment at Lib Dem headquarters today as it was revealed no one had bothered to write a manifesto for their candidate for London Mayor.

“Look, there’s only so many hours in the day,” said harassed party worker Jeremy Sandals. “There’s only enough money for a couple of full-time staff, the rest is done by volunteers, when they can fit it around their work for the Crafts Council and the Vegan Society.

”So naturally we tend to focus on things that seem worth doing. Council elections, for example, since we do win the occasional seat, and general elections of course.

”But London Mayor? The most we can do is split the liberal vote and let the Tories in, so we don’t really bother.

”All the same, we ought to go through the motions, so it’s a bit embarrassing we didn’t even write a manifesto this time. I’ll be looking into what went wrong, as soon as I get a spare moment.”

Pressed for more information, Sandals admitted he didn’t even know whose name they’d submitted as a candidate. “Bloody hell, it’s not me is it?”

image from pixabay

Man who resolved to become vegan has already lost ten friends

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