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Due to a bug in the VAR programme, the only way players can get a goal to stand at this year’s Euros is by sticking one in their own net, it has been reported.


From disallowing goals if a player is even standing on the same pitch as the opposition’s keeper, to calculating offside to within an eighth of an inch of an amoeba’s eyelash, VAR is cancelling goals left, right, and definitely centre of the six-yard box at this tournament. With the human video assistant referees seemingly more powerless to override the computer’s decisions than a wronged sub postmaster on Horizon, increasingly frustrated players are finding the only way to bypass the system is to deliberately score own goals just to get their name on the score board.


If the issue is not resolved before the last 16 matches, this year’s Golden Boot will be awarded to the player who scores the most goals to knock their own team out of the tournament. England are considered to have an unfair advantage under this scenario.




Satan is reportedly in negotiations with FIFA to sponsor the football World Cup, with Hades likely to bid for the 2038 or 2042 event.


A FIFA spokesman said 'Football is universally loved, so we have taken it upon ourselves to universally ruin it. First VAR, now selling the game directly to the Devil. If the host country keeps the cash flowing, executing journalists and criminalising gay people is practically encouraged. I silence my conscience with cash.'


'Plus, hosting a football tournament in Hell means the workers who build the stadiums are already dead so they can't die again. Result! In fact some of them died building the Qatar 2018 venues, so they've got the relevant experience.'


A spokesdemon distanced the Dark Lord from the project however, noting that 'FIFA is a bit evil for our brand right now.'


author: stewartbarclay

image from pixabay

Prince William took the unusual step of speaking out against mass murder in a former British colony, rather than conducting it - his family's more usual habit. To really show he was really serious, Wills then deployed both his chin and a pouty face.


Historian Shelley Stevenson spat out her tea at the news. 'Sorry, did he say against violence? Against? That can't be right. VAR can draw some lines if there’s a clear and obvious error, just like the British Empire liked to draw lines and then let other people deal with the consequences. India and Pakistan, the Palestinian Protectorate itself. How well did that go in the end?'


‘I’ve never pegged Prince William. As a serious political figure that is. Why are you laughing?’


When told why, Stevenson spat out her tea again.




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