Starmer close to completing Covid loyalty card

One man passion vacuum Keir Starmer has caught Covid for a second time. His 4 additional spells of enforced self-isolation had already made him the unluckiest Labour leader since Gordon Brown called a bigoted woman 'a bigoted woman' but got caught.

Starmer - the only person ever to be Tracked and Traced - is close to getting the coveted final stamp on his Covid loyalty card and ascending to platinum membership.

Labour activist Bob Bridlington denied that Angela Rayner was seen making a set of Starmer voodoo dolls and posting them straight to Wuhan. He noted 'Keir's commitment is such that he is single handedly skewing the government's Covid stats. And it's not as though self-isolating massively interferes with his social life. Plus he'll get a free coffee if it happens again.'

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Big Bird admits role in vaccine conspiracy

Sesame Street character Big Bird has accepted accusations he is helping to front a pro-government propaganda campaign and is part of a global Covid conspiracy.

Fox News and tin foil hat aficionado Warren Wright, said ‘Big Bird is an agent of the deep fried chicken state, a Chinese Communist Party kung po patsy. He’s part of the yellow peril, brought to you by the letter Q and the number 45.’

Big Bird’s law firm, Bert and Ernie LLP, issued a statement saying ‘Our client was told it was take big pharma’s money or they’d arrange a meeting with Colonel Sanders. An eight foot tall, bright yellow flightless bird can’t go into hiding, so now he’s count von counting his backhanders, although you grouches are making it el-mo’ money, el-mo' problems. He couldn’t give two Ted Cruzes about Covid, bird flu is the real issue. That and Colonel Sanders.’

Image: Pixabay/ScribblingGeek

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Surplus UK vaccine to be loaded into super soakers

Although the majority of the third world is being devastated by the Covid pandemic, the UK government has decided that the people of Britain would rather we kept the shitload we over ordered for ourselves. Even the dodgy one that doesn't work as well.

Some spokestwat for the government explained, 'As poor foreign people die unnecessary agonising deaths across the globe, Boris and his chums felt that the only right and decent course of action was to not let them have one drop of vaccine.

'Our finger right on the pulse of absolutely the entire peoplethings of Britain told us that what you all want is for the UK to stick two fingers up to everyone else and rub it in their faces.

'Given that unshakeable truth, all of the excess vaccine we have will be poured into super soakers and we're going to have a Great British end of summer epic water pistol battle down the park.'