- Lockjaw
- Sep 29, 2024
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Software magnate Bill Gates has told of his ‘utter exhaustion’ after tracking billions of people who have received a Covid vaccine.
'Initially I thought it would be fun”, he told NewsBiscuit. “Knowledge is power, so knowing that Marjorie Perks goes to Asda every Thursday would be useful. Or something.”
Gates hadn’t fully appreciated the effects of the Earth’s rotation, meaning that half of the people he was tracking would be active during his night time. To make it worse, he is using Microsoft software to track people, meaning that he needs to hit CTRL-ALT-DEL every few hours and occasionally reinstall his operating system.
'I have fresh respect for Santa”¸ he said. “There are just too many people on this damn planet."
Anti-vaxxers say they have no sympathy for Gates. “That’s why I wouldn’t let them poison me,” said Chad, a registered moron from Utah. 'I’m glad it’s keeping him awake. Sheeple need to wake up. Now pass me that bleach would you, it’s time for my daily injection.”
Having failed to accomplish anything worthwhile during his three years on stage, Still Prime Minister The Great Bozondo has resorted to making wild claims about things he definitely didn't do. Say yes, Paul Dacre.
The most amazing feat of daring attempted before our very eyes is a claim so wild it is livid. You're going to like this... not a lot. The claim is that he 'got the big things right'. Following a national strategy of herd immunity and several panicked lockdowns so late Than-Neverland popped into existence with a puff of glitter, the only BIG thing he was responsible for during the pandemic was the number of people who vanished and weren't brought back.
The Great Bozondo was too incompetent to understand or be allowed anywhere near the climax of the actual vaccine rollout. Although, in fairness, he nearly pulled off the tricky routine of wiping down a chair. Dedicated and diligent non-governmental wizards without fists of ham astonished us all with the vaccine miracle. What did Boris and his 'big things right' government sleight of handers do? They strained most of their sinews self-opportunistically and fast-tracked their tragic circle of chums to multi-million-pound Personal Protection Equipment contracts, which failed to appear.
Now that's magic money trees.
And if the other big thing he got right was such a great success, why is there a need to get Brexit re-done? Maybe he should take another run at Heathrow runway 2¾?
image from pixabay
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