top of page

With the limited options available to UK consumers trying to avoid US goods, an alternative boycott is required that packs a real punch. This is because most US products are either heavily involved with local UK suppliers, like fast foods, or are just a bit rubbish anyway like their cars and mass-produced beer which are easily avoided at no great loss.


One clear method to completely destroy American influence and bring the failed ex-colony to its knees is to ensure that their sad attempt at the English language is not used at all. UK residents will ensure when writing, ALL the correct vowels will be used. You should be involved, literally, U should be involved in coloUr, flavoUr, humoUr etc. The spelling of words is not a grey area, and gray is not a word.


A petition is to be sent to the government to ban the language option “English (United States”) from all software applications. The letter Zed, as in ZEBra, not Tseeebraahh or whatever they say, is not to be used as a knock off S in many words, people need to organiSe and analySe their dialogue and recogniSe how marvellous it is. The UK is quite clear in which words to use and will unashamedly call a pavement a pavement. 


Car parts will be referred to correctly, and unless it is hydrogen, gas shall not be used to power cars. When speaking, they will purposely enunciate the H in herbs, and aluminium shall be said and spelled properly and not be bought from America. Anyone saying “like” more than twice in any sentence will be booed. Do not say donut, just don’t, they are made of dough, not do, so doughnut it is, clear?


It won’t be long until America is begging for a trade deal on UK terms, which will then be politely, yet firmly, declined as we will at one with our long-term trading allies in Europe, who we have never fallen out with.



Hat-tips to various in NB chat room



There was widespread disruption across the United States last night as the implications of President Trump’s tariffs on imported beer prices became understood. Despite having no tastebuds to speak of, even American drinkers prefer beers from Canada or Mexico or Europe to chemical urine.



‘Trump has gone too far this time’, said one protester on a San Diego street. ‘I can live on a diet of American burgers and deep-fried chlorinated meat, I am even prepared to drive a Dodge or a Chrysler even though they are terrible cars, if it means safeguarding American jobs. But give me Molson or Coors or Sol or, as a last resort, Heineken. Anything but Budweiser, please’.




A Press Officer for Hell, yesterday, provided a robust response to Donald Trump’s statement that "the USA is going to Hell”. Spokesdemon, BL Zeebub, stated that it’s “absolutely not going to happen. We have enough challenges already processing the growing daily number of migrants over the Styx, without taking in a country of 330 million, as well".


“That is not to say that there aren’t some specifically skilled migrants who would be more than welcome, which is why we operate a points system. However, we can’t deal with as many in one go - people would be queueing for months and the extra fire required would certainly blow our carbon targets".


"No, as much as Mr Trump, himself, would be a good fit, both with our corporate culture and the décor, we cannot deal with an infestation of Americans. This would surely lead to a reduction in service for the current inhabitants, which would be totally unfair to the many who’ve signed up to eternal punishment.”


Mr Trump was approached for comment but said he didn’t speak to the “Fake News Media, let alone the Fake Fake News Media”.



First published 7 April 2023



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?














bottom of page