Permanent US resident Rishi Sunak waved his green card in everyones faces and explained how his wife had avoided millions in tax. This was due to her non-dom status and her proximity to his side of the duvet: 'It's very simple - it's not a scam. We're rich. Filthy rich, to be precise. That means laws exist to keep us rich. Laws you all voted for, I might add. Look, I don't make the rules. HMRC does - and they work for me.'
At 1.36 Eastern Standard Time, the United States of America officially declared that they had run out of ammo. The ensuing chaos has seen riots and looting in twelve major cities as a bewildered populace struggles to come to terms with the loss of their favourite pastime - shooting classmates and civil rights protestors.
The spread of violence was sparked when police squandered their last bullet by shooting an unarmed teenager. An eyewitness said: 'It was horrific. Without provocation, the police just opened fire. What a waste of life and bullets. Those shots could easily have been saved for an Arab or any friend of Phil Spector.'
An NRA spokesman said: 'The average American spends five hours a day shooting. Two hours a day dodging bullets. Nine hours working to earn enough money to buy bullets. Seven hours dreaming about them. And that only leaves one hour to masturbate over them. It's a hectic schedule.'
One of the by-products of this loss of ammunition is that the US now has 250 million useless firearms. One suggestion is that these redundant weapons are melted down to form 300ft statue of Charlton Heston, blowing the head off of Osama Bin Laden. One concerned citizen said: 'What am I supposed to do when I see an African American walking down the road? If I can't fire six warning shots into his head and arm – how else is he going to know that he's making everyone uneasy?'
.It has been hailed as the greatest drama in the Fox Network’s history: a flawed genius unravelling before our very eyes.
“The writing is exquisite” said 50s throwback Mark Kermode. “His decline from uber-demanding chief to senile, petulant weakling is something we’ve never seen before. Maybe ‘Downfall’ came close but this has been a multimedia experience. The tweets, the bitchy press conferences, it’s been immersive. Trump’s performances have been impeccable”.
The show was the brainchild of media mogul Rupert Murdoch, previously best known for the creation of ‘Blair’, a show which seems parochial by comparison. Also, Trump’s on-screen wife is hotter than Cherie and might actually make a good hate character for Season 2, assuming Murdoch commissions another season.
“There’s certainly enough material”, said Kermode. “All the people he’s thrown under the bus, any one of them might come after him now he’s weak. There’s the whole ‘did he pay Russian prostitutes to pee on him in bed?’ storyline. Stormy Daniels. The fake Covid cures. If America’s victims turn into zombies, what a spectacle that would be – 170,000 zombies – even CGI would struggle with that”.
Season 1 has seen a steady decline in Trump’s faculties and his growing paranoia about voter fraud. What does the season finale hold? With an uncertain election in November followed by two more months in the White House, maybe we should look to one of Trump’s catchphrases:
“You always knew I had these nukes”.
