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Following the latest online leak of US intelligence, government officials fear the resultant low national IQ reserves may no longer be sufficient to fend off another Donald Trump election victory.
US intelligence has been slowly evaporating away since the rise of the internet, which gave vast swathes of the population access to a choice between unlimited free knowledge, and thirty second videos of cats wearing cheap costume jewellery and dancing to Taylor Swift.
Speaking at a hastily convened press conference, top Pentagon official Sergei Petrov tried to play down concerns of a secret data free for all, stating quite convincingly, “Zis is nussing to vorry about. Ve haf ezzerysing under kontrol. Prezident Poot… I mean ov course, Prezident Biden, haha, iz getting extra doses ov Omega 3 oil and being kept from vatching Ze Kardashians to ensure his mental faculties are protekted.”
Meanwhile, US allies have been quick to react to the latest online leak by shoring up their own defences against the loss of vital national intelligence.
Story by: greengrocer
photo: https://pixabay.com/users/12019-12019/
GB news is expected to remain off the air for several months.
A Press Officer for Hell, yesterday, provided a robust response to Donald Trump’s statement that "the USA is going to Hell”. Spokesdemon, BL Zeebub, stated that it’s “absolutely not going to happen. We have enough challenges already processing the growing daily number of migrants over the Styx, without taking in a country of 330 million, as well".
“That is not to say that there aren’t some specifically skilled migrants who would be more than welcome, which is why we operate a points system. However, we can’t deal with as many in one go - people would be queueing for months and the extra fire required would certainly blow our carbon targets".
"No, as much as Mr Trump, himself, would be a good fit, both with our corporate culture and the décor, we cannot deal with an infestation of Americans. This would surely lead to a reduction in service for the current inhabitants, which would be totally unfair to the many who’ve signed up to eternal punishment.”
Mr Trump was approached for comment but said he didn’t speak to the “Fake News Media, let alone the Fake Fake News Media”.
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