Make All Gulfs American

President Trump has elaborated on his announcement that the Gulf of Mexico is to be renamed the Gulf of America, stating that other gulfs are to be renamed to be more patriotic too. Those with names that already reference America, such as the Gulf of Alaska and the Gulf of California, will not change. However, all other gulfs are subject to change, with the Arabian Gulf likely to become the African-American Gulf to reflect the average US citizen's understanding of Middle East geography.

Trump is also keen to maintain existing gulfs, such as the one between climate change science and his energy policy, and the one between English and the language that he and his supporters attempt to speak. Trump also denied any suggestion that he would reduce the size of the gulf between facts and the contents of his speeches.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Fascists vent fury as Musk gets salute wrong

Fascists around America and the world vented their fury yesterday following Elon Musk’s limp attempt at the Sieg Heil salute. Musk, adorned in inauguration suit, tie, and white skin, has been a supporter of the 47th president throughout Trump’s campaign. But he never expressed the il Duce body language of ‘Hail Victory’ until after the sturm und drang of the performance of the Village People. One online Nazi organization, Fist and Grind, slammed Musk’s efforts as ‘sad,’ adding, ‘But what do you expect from an African?’ Another gave it a derisory 2 stars of David.

Clattenburg Spengler speaking from Wolf’s Lair College in my private Idaho, broke down Musk’s misshapen straight-arm for the layman. ‘Musk gets some of the fundamentals wrong. Where the practiced Nazi would seek a straight-backed frontal repose, Musk overdoes his body’s twisting motion. Young children often make this mistake during their first few hundred sieg heils. Too, there is an element of indeterminateness to the final angle of his leading arm. It’s as if Musk is asking himself, “Am I going to take this thing full Mussolini, or just leave in the imaginations of the volk the possibility that what they are seeing is a simulacrum of the real thing?” We are left dangling in that tricksy right of centre space between tease and hate. I would be prepared to have a one on one with Elon in which we scratch out these ambivalences.’

But the professor of Homoerology and tyrranaesthetics also saw in Musk much potential for full Nazism. ‘That aggressive overbite at the start shows real commitment to supremacy. He sticks with it throughout the salute. There is no lazy splaying of the fingers either. They are the sword representing his inner steel. I am excited for what happens next.’ What happens next is anyone’s guess as, with Musk’s eye on Mars, it was revealed that DOGE actually stands for Deutsche Erobern Groben Exoplaneten: Germans conquer a great exoplanet.

Meanwhile, others said it wasn’t a Nazi salute at all, and that Musk was suffering a sudden bout of Mosleyitis, a condition characterized by arm seizures when speaking in public. Paolo di Canio, once accused of heiling following a soccer match in Rome also offered his sympathies, saying ‘I understander di bad accusation from people who don fackin know, man, They don fackin know.’ Di Canio had said he was a fascist not a racist. Thus, Americans and the world can rest assured they do not have a racist amid the highest echelons of power. They only have a fascist.

Image: WixAI

Trump refuses to rule out military force to acquire hat

Donald Trump has refused to rule out military action in his quest to acquire a Panama hat.

Although Panama hats are widely available from reputable suppliers, and are also available on the internet, The Donald does not seem ready to acquire one this way.

‘I did have a Panama hat, but it was stolen from me,’ claimed almost-President Trump on his anti-social media platform Social UnTruth.  ‘Luckily, I have thousands of MAGA caps still in stock, at only $39.99 plus postage.  Buy now before prices rise.

‘As a free American, I have a constitutional right to wear whatever hat I like, even if it is a Panama hat and un-American by definition.  And all free Americans have the right to defend, or attack, hats of any colour, if they feel like it, including with automatic weapons.   It’s the American way.

Just to be clear, I only want a Panama hat so that I can jump up and down on it, to show everyone what my approach to foreign policy will be.’

Picture credit: Wix AI