Trump threatens huge bombast strike on Iran

'I'm giving the Iranian regime two weeks to sign a deal to limit its nuclear activities,' Trump told the White House press corps, 'and if it refuses, I will subject it to the biggest wave of bombast the world has ever seen.

'No one can bombast their enemies more bigly than me,' boasted Trump.

'I have ordered a B2 bombast strike force to Diego Garcia which will hit the hell out of Iran with tough-guy threats, and I'll be launching wave after wave of intercontinental bombastic missiles on Tehran from the USS Blowhard, to bore the living hell out of everyone who listens to me.

'And if those fascist priests who run Iran - who I very much respect for their incredible fascist style of running the 'joint - still refuse to do what I tell them, then I'll huff and I'll puff and I will bloviate their house down... bigly!'

Picture credit: deep dream generator

Trump demands that imports arrive on American ships

President Trump has taken exception to the fact that only 178 cargo ships sail under the US flag globally.  This represents a measly 0.57% of global tonnage.

‘Our foreign trade enemies are ripping off America,’ said DT, warming up for a bit of a rant.

‘It’s a disgrace that 8,065 ships sail under the flag of Panama.  It’s a disgrace that the ship that destroyed the bridge in Baltimore was registered in Singapore.  It’s a disgrace that the ship that blocked the Suez Canal was registered in Panama.

‘I’m proud that the Exxon Valdez sailed under the American flag, although losing all that oil was disappointing and wasteful and probably because of sabotage.

‘So, my new policy is that all imports to the US of A must arrive on American flagged ships.  Any that don’t will face additional tariffs of 10%, rising by 1.5% every Tuesday, unless that day is a federal holiday.

‘On reflection, I’m now announcing that the introduction of the tariffs will be delayed for 90 minutes.  And the tariff rates will be halved, no, cancelled, no, doubled, with immediate effect.   Long live America!  Long live me! Hang tough!

Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay

Newspaper editors get ready for Donald Trump's pharma tariffs

President Trump says he will announce new tariffs on pharmaceutical goods soon, and will probably describe them as a shot in the arm for US drug companies, or healthy competition, or something.

This advance notice from President Trump gives newspaper editors time to polish up some medical puns for their headlines.

‘Strong medicine’ would be a suitable short, but slightly lazy headline. More sophisticated efforts might include ‘stop taking the tablets’ or ‘fly in the ointment’. More desperate efforts could include ‘anti-buy-otics’, ‘tariffs on depression meds are a real downer’, ‘medicine balls’, ‘now you’ll just have to make do with sex and rock’n’roll’ and ‘now it’s harder to get Viagra’.

You can expect Donald Trump to be referred to as a drug lord or medicine man and his tariffs as ‘a drug on the market’ and/or ‘an ill wind’. Or how about 'Trump calls in sick'. Or 'Trump's prescription'? In comparison, British invalids, and the workshy, will be 'worried sick'.

You can expect plenty of pill references – bitter pill, poison pill, no sugaring the pill, for example. Unhappy pills, perhaps. ‘Trump imposes tariffs on suppositories by the backdoor’ is a possibility. Not really what you’d want to read at breakfast time. But hey! - if it sells newspapers....

Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay