Sleepy Joe has been in politics for a long, long time

Search begins to find someone worse than Trump

The Republican Party normally has a monopoly on incompetence, but there are concerns that the well of stupidity has run dry. Said one activist: 'We're down to our last batch of idiots. We just hope one is sociopathic enough to stand out.'

Donald Trump still leads in the polls and in the number of court cases pending. So, it will take a world-class douchebag to surpass him. But many fear that candidates like Ron DeSantis do not have the horns and pointy tail to compete.

Explained an analysist: 'The early 21st century was a golden age of arsehollery. Trump was the Shakespeare of slime. It may be generations until we see his like again or see his tax returns.'

Joe Biden’s skeleton to run for President

The current President has confirmed he will be seeking a second term from the after-life. Aged 137, Mr. Biden is the oldest incumbent of The White House, except for a pair of stockings left by Dolley Madison. The chances of him being alive next election are slim to none, so Joe has agreed to become one of the undead – a role traditionally left to the Vice President.

Usually, only live Presidents are permitted to run, but a special dispensation has been made for Joe, given he was half dead already. His campaign manager and personal Necromancer explained: ‘He’ll be embalmed and buried beneath The White House lawn. At a certain point when the moon is full and he has enough electoral votes, he will rise again – just like the debt ceiling.’

One voter was philosophical about supporting a zombie-in-chief: ‘Democracy is dead, so I guess the President should be as well.’