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Advice to Donald Trump: the tell-tale signs that you're in danger



With increasing speculation that the shooting was an inside job by the deep state or his own party, we offer Mr Trump some clues that tell you the people around you are out to get you:


• Your assistant plonks the microphone in front of you and then runs like hell from the podium


• All the stops on your campaign trail are located near book depositories.


• Be suspicious when your aides tell you, 'Never mind that guy up there, he's just an amateur actor rehearsing for Fiddler on the Roof'


• You find your running mate has a private shooting range where all the targets are painted orange


• Your image consultant tells you cultivating a 'van Gogh look' will endear you to the electorate


•Your secretary mysteriously cancels your golf club membership and lifetime subscription to the Cartoon Channel.


• Your aides try to get you to wear the strange new MAGA t-shirt with the bullseye design on the front.


• You notice workers digging a Trump-shaped hole in Arlington cemetery.


• You know that 300lb campaign assistant has a big appetite, but does he really need to take his lunch to work in a violin case?



Image credit: Wix AI

A quick guide to US presidents



Thomas Jefferson (1801-1809). The only president to give his name to a successful rock band. Eisenhower Airplane and Van Buren Airplane somehow never made the big time.


Abraham Lincoln (1861-1865). Assassinated. Ford's Theatre still offering special half-price deals to presidents to win back business lost due to the "unfortunate shooting incident".


Calvin Coolidge (1923-1929). Owing to his staple diet of rum and baked beans he was known as Silent-but-Deadly Cal.


Herbert Hoover (1929-1933). Spent so much time at his family business he didn't see the Crash coming. This led to the XXth Amendment to the Constitution: "The President shall not sell vacuum cleaners on White House time".


Ronald Reagan (1981-1989). Won over the crucial Weird Loner vote with his famous "Shoot me and impress Jody Foster" speech.


Joseph Biden (2021- ). An enigma, even to himself. Voted Most Likely to Invade Canada. Keeps forgetting where he left the remote control for the nuclear missiles.




Trump refuses to accept loss at World Snooker Championships




Snooker player Judd Trump, who was knocked out of the World Championships by Jak Jones in the quarter final, announced today that he refuses to accept this result.


”This is a sad day for snooker,” he told a rally of his crazed supporters, who were chanting “Stop the Steal!” over and over. “The scoring has been politicised. They’re trying to claim he won just because he won more frames than me, which he definitely didn’t.”


He then told his supporters they definitely shouldn’t storm the Crucible Theatre and grab the trophy for him, though visibly winking and holding up crossed fingers as he said it.


However, he may face bigger problems due to the ongoing allegations concerning snooker referee “Stormy” Bozhilova, to whom he is accused of paying hush money after she saw him cheat by moving a ball with his hand.


His case isn’t helped by audio that has emerged of him boasting that “You can do anything you want, stuff the balls in the pockets… they let you do it when you’re famous.”


photo: Photo by Mark Stuckey on Unsplash

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