Senior Management Roles in US Government – jobs suddenly available

Senior management vacancies - suddenly available right now (various locations, all in the US)

Re-numeration: 80,000 – 120,000 Meme Coin - minus benefits

Hours: Yes

Suitable for angry, scared and resentful individuals who don’t waste time on critical thinking. This role will provide plenty of opportunities for revenge and power trips. You will be told exactly what to say and will be provided resources to conduct your own research on.

Required skills:

• Being Male (At birth and currently)

• If you are non-Caucasian or non-straight, or even, worst case, a woman, then you must make up for that in advanced anger skills and cutting-edge hypocrisy

• Preferred social media must be Truth Social or X (Referring to this as Twitter is immediate rejection)

• Xenophobia an advantage, even if you don't fully know what that means

• Must be a True Patriot - provide supporting convictions and how far you got on Jan 6th 2021

• Must have over 88,000 online followers, 90% of which can be bots

• Ownership of a high-end podcast microphone is preferred along with a wall mounted firearm which is to be visible in all video conference calls.

In your job application, include your aims in a twelve-word phrase or four word slogan

Picture credit: WIX AI + deskpilot

Samantha Fox scuppers US-UK trade deal

Officials are in despair and believe that a US-UK trade deal cannot now be saved.

Negotiations had been progressing, but had become increasingly difficult.

UK negotiators have explained that local food standards, while fairly lax, did not allow food companies to kill their customers quickly, although ill effects were allowed to accumulate over many years. They cited beer, tuna laced with mercury, and greasy food as examples.

The US negotiators accused the Brits of being very namby-pamby and nanny state about over the counter drugs. They championed the American system in which you can buy all the drugs you can afford in any pharmacy, and in which antibiotic resistance is just god’s way of telling you to invent new and even more expensive drugs.

These issues, and many others, had been chewed over and compromises found.  However, at the eleventh hour, the US side had demanded - as part of the deal - presidential access to former page 3 girl Sam Fox. The president seems to have developed an unhealthy attachment to Sam Fox after seeing copies of The Sun on visits to Scotland.   He subsequently acquired a full set of back issues and keeps his favourite pictures in the bathroom at Mar-a-Lago.

British negotiators fear that the Sam Fox issue is a deal breaker and a condition on which they cannot deliver.

A spokesman said, 'The US side clearly expects Sam Fox to look exactly the same as she did 40 years ago. But us Brits have never had the same enthusiasm as the Yanks for cosmetic surgery. Even if we could provide presidential access to a naturally aged Sam Fox, we are worried that the President might feel that he'd been fobbed off. And no-one, not even Samantha Fox, wants to fob off a US President.

Picture credit: Wix AI

By Presidential Appointment

President Trump has started a new endorsement scheme that allows products to describe themselves as ‘by appointment to the President’. The scheme appears to closely follow the ‘By Royal Appointment’ scheme used by the British royal family.

The President says that he is prepared to endorse ‘all American’ products, in return for a suitable fee and a lifetime’s supply of the product. He will only endorse one product in each category, to be decided by an auction-style bidding process. He plans to use the proceeds to fund his Trump 2028 campaign.

The first endorsement will be for trainers. The President is all out of his five hundred gold dollar trainers and figures that it would be easier to take royalties from an established brand. He has insisted that the winning trainer brand should produce special edition ‘The-Donald’ trainers in his trademark shade of orange, and with the tag line Run, Donald, Run (2028).

Other products likely to receive endorsements soon include pistols, revolvers, shotguns, rifles, semi-automatic rifles, machine guns, howitzers and bazookas. The President’s office has clarified that, in view of the amount of money involved, all of these products are considered to be separate categories for the purposes of endorsement.

Products unlikely to receive an endorsement include Trump Fruitcake, Trump Crackers and Trump Nuts.

Photo by NIPYATA! on Unsplash