top of page
Search
In a rare joint public statement, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have endorsed Donald Trump for president of the United States. ‘While we regret that neither candidate has fully embraced our program of dystopian global end-times horror, we feel that Donald Trump is measurably more likely to advance our cause than Kamala Harris,’ the statement said. It was signed by ‘Messrs. Conquest, Death, Famine, and War.’ Observers believe this to be the Horsemen’s first public endorsement of a political figure since their backing of Ugandan dictatorial madman Idi Amin during his 1971 coup.
Sources close to the Horsemen said the Trump endorsement almost never came about. ‘You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to get these wankers to cooperate,’ said one Apocalypse insider who requested anonymity to discuss sensitive internal discussions. ‘It was really Death’s idea to begin with: He saw that Trump planned to put RFK, Jr. in charge of America’s health care system and frankly started salivating.’ But the other Horsemen were slow to embrace the idea. ‘War was the biggest obstacle,’ the source said. ‘He’s having a great old time in Gaza and Lebanon, and felt it would be unwise to, as he put it, change horses midstream.’
Death eventually brought Conquest onside by persuading him that a Trump administration would likely annex much of Mexico and perhaps even ‘the pleasant bits’ of Canada. The prospect that loose environmental regulations might lead to the poisoning of the American food supply ultimately led Famine to throw in his lot with the plan. These three then spent weeks trying to get War to make it unanimous. ‘After all,’ explained the insider, ‘an apocalypse without war wouldn’t be very box office, would it?’
What seemed to finally bring War to the table was the possibility of massive societal breakdown in the United States leading to decades of bloody internecine strife. ‘At the end of the day, War was civil about it,’ the insider conceded.
The Trump and Harris campaigns could not be reached for comment.
Image: GoranH - Pixabay
Keir Starmer has been forced to deny interfering in a foreign election, despite definitely interfering in a foreign election. In his defense, there were plenty of foreigners interfering with his own election, so really this is just Kama for Kamala.
Using Labour's winning strategy may not be so effective, as no one in the US cares that Harris is not Jeremy Corbyn. Plus, the Democrats have struggled to explain why Kamala Harris is cutting winter fuel allowance and now has a season ticket to Arsenal.
Hundreds of staffers have been sent to key swing states, in the hope that invading Brits will be as popular as they were 250 years ago. Said one activist: 'We hope to make Harris as popular as Starmer.' So she is going to win, right? 'That's not what I said.'
Photo by Stephen Mease on Unsplash
bottom of page