Trump threatens huge bombast strike on Iran

'I'm giving the Iranian regime two weeks to sign a deal to limit its nuclear activities,' Trump told the White House press corps, 'and if it refuses, I will subject it to the biggest wave of bombast the world has ever seen.

'No one can bombast their enemies more bigly than me,' boasted Trump.

'I have ordered a B2 bombast strike force to Diego Garcia which will hit the hell out of Iran with tough-guy threats, and I'll be launching wave after wave of intercontinental bombastic missiles on Tehran from the USS Blowhard, to bore the living hell out of everyone who listens to me.

'And if those fascist priests who run Iran - who I very much respect for their incredible fascist style of running the 'joint - still refuse to do what I tell them, then I'll huff and I'll puff and I will bloviate their house down... bigly!'

Picture credit: deep dream generator

Stock Markets agree to trade when Trump is sleeping

With tariff impositions and exemptions being imposed willy-nilly and almost on a whim by the President of the USA, stock markets are now operating in a constant state of flux and confusion.

In an attempt to counter this, and bring back the particular form of stability that benefits the leading trading houses, a proposal has been made to restrict trading to those hours when President Trump is asleep, and thus less likely to make significant and wide-reaching policy changes.

Whilst admitting this time-locked trading may be inconvenient for almost everyone, at least the 'right people' should again be exercising a modicum of control over the markets, and share prices will not be skidooshed every twenty minutes by the seemingly random pronouncements of the feckless orange incumbent of the White House.

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US/China tariffs will soon be 1,000,054%

Old Trumpy Trump, the Satsuma of Injustice himself, has declared tariffs on China to be 104% or 154% or 1054% or whatever, as long as it's slightly more than China responds with.

A White House statement denied that the tariff percentage numbers were calculated by dividing the number of shots that Trump actually takes to get round a golf course by the much lower number of shots he claims that he takes.

Trump has claimed that a disproportionate trade barrier is literally the worst thing the USA has ever done to Vietnam. He also maintains his pronunciation of 'China' is correct, and an Executive Order will make it mandatory in school text books, despite it being so obviously weird and wrong.

Image credit: Deep Dream Generator