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'We were amazed to find we share 97 percent of our genes with humans.' says a monkey spokesman. 'We had no idea. Here we were swinging from trees and picking nits out of each others' fur, not realising we're distantly related to the Royal Family.'
Zoology professor Peter Romilly says, 'Turning into humans has its advantages, such as getting to cover your genitals and being issued with a Social Security number. However, these lower primates really need to have more patience and not be so pushy. Normally it takes 2-3 million years to evolve upright posture and the ability to play video games". He also believes monkeys would have to go into hiding from religious fundamentalists if they start "flaunting evolution.'
Not all monkeys want to upgrade. 'I'd miss the carefree simian lifestyle, says one chimpanzee, 'just hanging out in the forest chattering and throwing our faeces at each other. And what about the bonobos - how would they manage to go on fornicating 24/7 if they turn into humans? They can't all be competitors on Love Island.'
Following the news that a man with joint British and Russian citizenship has been sentenced to 25 years in a Russian prison, the Foreign Office has officially upgraded its criticism of the Russian state from “feeble” to “limp”.
Vladimir Kara-Murza was sentenced for being a vocal critic of President Putin, though the court promised to come up with a more legal-sounding charge as soon as they have a moment. It also insisted that reporters didn’t refer to the prison as a gulag, even though it’s exactly the same series of remote camps in arctic Siberia and people are still being sent there without any pretence of legal process.
A Foreign Office spokesman said today that if upgrading their criticism to “limp” didn’t frighten the Russians into cooperating, the next stage would be “floppy”, after which come “half-hearted”, “pathetic” and finally “wet lettuce”. However, they denied this meant they weren’t making their case strenuously.
'We have asked for an appointment with the Russian Ambassador so we can lodge our protest at their treatment of a British citizen. Unfortunately, his office said he had a hairdressing appointment he can’t move, and after that he’s got tickets to a show. But we’re confident he will at least read the phone messages we left before the weekend.'
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