Student with £231k loan has a brilliant plan to deal with it

A student who amassed a record-breaking student loan debt of £231k has a plan to deal with it, and is unconcerned.

‘Is this a big debt? Yes, it is. Are the government adding interest to my debt at an outrageous rate? Yes, they are. Have the government hiked up the interest on student loans? Yes, they have. Did they change the rules on me retrospectively? Yes, they did.’

Colin Card admits that the size of his debt would cause many people great anxiety. ‘My Gran used to say ‘never a borrower or a lender be’, says Colin. ‘Silly old moo.’ But Colin is not letting his student debt cramp his style.

‘My plan is quite simple. I’m cutting my working hours to minimise the debt repayments. This also reduces my tax bill, so it’s a win-win. The student loan repayment is a discentive to work and I’m fine with that. I’m prioritising my quality of life – walking on the beach, spending time with friends and family, dossing around. It’s great. My health has recovered from my student days – less drinking, less pizza, more exercise, lower blood pressure.

‘My plan is very, very simple. I only have to wait it out and eventually – admittedly some years away – the government will just cancel the whole debt, including all the interest. They’ll never get the money off me. I’ve figured it all out. That degree was worth it after all.’

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

Racially Diverse Friend Group Files Restraining Order Against College Photographer

It was an average morning for a group of multicultural college students, who were enjoying the June sunshine on their leafy campus. 'It was all so normal,' Sanjay tells us. 'Hua, Kwame, Diego, Amelia (she's gay,) and I were preparing for our upcoming exams when we heard rustling from the bushes.'

They were greeted with the cold, invasive eye of a long-lens camera.

The college photographer, 46-year-old Oliver Brown, has been tasked with designing glossy brochures for the university for ten years. Since then, he has been striving to represent the full range of brilliant students who have walked the hallowed halls. 'It isn't always easy,' he tells us. 'Most of the people here are white, cis, able-bodied and straight. I usually end up having to photoshop minorities into the background. That's why Sanjay's group were so irresistible. It's the kind of diversity we collage together from stock images and slap on the front page.'

All Oliver wanted was one picture of the gang huddled around a Bunsen-burner or poring over books together in the library, but the colourful clique refused.

'It's tokenism, plain and simple,' Hua said. 'The moment we saw him coming we scattered; Kwame discarded his wheelchair, Amelia started kissing Sanjay and Diego tore off his Yarmulke. We weren't going to let him exploit our differences to make up for the racist flaws in this institution.'

After another belligerent attempt from Brown to photograph them returning from an intersectional feminist book-club, the gang decided to press charges against the shutterbug.

Sanjay shouted 'See you next Tuesday... in court.'

Image: Comstock Images Photos | FreeImages

‘A’ levels to be replaced by three-word slogans

For decades A Levels have been a rite of passage for ambitious teenagers, struggling over lists of facts, complex equations and the harsh beauty of quantum theory. Now all that is to be swept aside in the most radical re-imagining of education since Oxford University somehow awarded a degree to Boris Johnson.

“The beauty of a slogan is you don’t need to think too hard. They’re explicitly designed to prevent thought“, a spokesman told us. “Who needs to know all the Civil War battles anyway? Knowledge stifles creativity – write that down, Janet – we need to keep the minds of working people clear so they can receive their instructions”.

Government policy is already largely determined by three word slogans. Brexit will eventually allow the tedious piles of books which codify English Law to be replaced with a few posters from Athena, clarifying even the most abstruse legal concepts.

“We got the idea from ‘Ready for Rishi’ “, the spokesman said. “Meaningless, but it’s spread like wildfire – by his detractors as well as his fans. That’s when it hit us – meaning is overrated. Quick, Janet, write that down”.

“A slogan is much easier to digest than, say, all the reactions in organic chemistry. OK, we won’t be able to design our own chemical plants any more – but we don’t need to, there’s China etc for that. Janet, write that down: ‘China Etc’ – it’ll come in handy. No, what we need is a compliant workforce. And I don’t mean all that dreadful EU-style compliance – data protection, health and safety, all that nonsense. No, what British industry is crying out for are helpful people who don’t mind dying occasionally. If the project goes well we might be able to switch off all the immigration, which would definitely make places like Birmingham seem a little less grim”.

The new streamlined A Levels have been likened to laminate flooring – a shiny veneer glued onto MDF. Private schools will retain Latin, which provides a better quality of veneer concealing the same glued-together sawdust. Which possibly explains Boris, now we come to think of it.

“Stop that!” the spokesman admonishes us. “Thought is weakness”.

So there we have it. Unclutter your mind, enjoy hard work and accept that fascism is fun. Write that down, Janet.

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