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‘I know you are - but what am I?’ Steve Barclay gets tough with unions



Furious unions have accused the Health Secretary of making farting noises with his armpits during negotiations, and of wiping bogies on the underside of his desk. Initial reports suggest Mr Barclay entered into negotiations with his arms and fists swinging in a windmill fashion while shouting ‘If you don’t get out of my way, it’s your fault!’


RCN leader Pat Cullen expressed frustration that Mr Barclay would only respond to her questions with the repeated phrase ‘your mum’. He hit back at unions, accusing their mums of being prozzies and their dads of buying their shoes at Poundland.


Talking to Jo Coburn on BBC Politics Live, Mr Barclay demonstrated his negotiating techniques with the help of a small He-Man figurine and a Barbie doll. As the toys violently clashed, he told viewers:


‘Boosh! Take that, union scum. Chiff-chiff-chiff. Doosh-doosh!!! You want a pay rise? Prepare to die. Boom. Aaaaagh. Chiff-chiff-chiff…’


He then simulated sex with the toys until his elderly mother came on set and clipped him around the ear.


Mr Barclay denies fidgeting and not paying attention.



image from pixabay

British nuclear fusion reactor workers take anticipatory industrial action



Thirty years before Britain is set to open its first nuclear fusion reactor in the middle of Birmingham’s Bullring shantytown, workers have already staged a walkout.


“My members are fully justified in taking this action,” said union leader Sid Smelts. “It’s not all about pay but our concerns over working conditions,” he added. “How can the government expect my lads to work slap bang in the middle of a big bang? We’re not being unreasonable, but there are whopping health and safety issues. They expect loyal, hardworking employees to fire powerful lasers at buckets of radioactive fusion fuel without as much as a day’s boffin training and only wearing a Hi-Viz vest for protection. It’s a national disgrace.”


The minister for energy and climate admitted that his department had no plans to engage with the union.


“This is the classic modus operandi of union troublemakers. Mr Smelts has forgotten that the UK needs a clean and reliable energy source, and all he wants to do is get his ugly mug on the telly. He needs to understand that we can’t rely on wind or solar power as we don’t have enough wind or solars, whatever they are.


My department has successfully anticipated this anticipatory action. Like everything else, we refuse to negotiate, get around the table, or do anything whatsoever for the next thirty years or so.”



Unions only allowed to strike at night time


Both main political parties are backing new legislation to limit the scope of industrial action to just leap years and during a full moon. The government explained: 'Your name must have an X and a Q in it, you must be over 7ft tall and you have to hold your breath for over 3 minutes.'


Unions have complained that this is restricting the right to protest, particularly the bit about having to wear a gag: 'We've been told all picket lines need grade eight in violin and we have to pat our head and rub our tummy at the same time.'


An MP said: 'Furthermore, you will not be allowed to strike, if you have a job.'




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