Government to replace red tape with red, white and blue tape

Six years after the United Kingdom voted for Brexit, the government has admitted that Brexit hadn't delivered anything. 'We've realised that a policy of replacing EU red tape with UK red tape wasn't working, especially as the red tape could only be sourced from Belgium.' A company based in Birmingham has been awarded the contract to provide red, white and blue striped tape for use by the government. 'We get it from a reliable source in Europe,' confided a representative of the Birmingham company today.

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Toff's shock as court ruling gives green light to cruising commoners

Sir Nigel Pithers, who lost his case to sue a cruise company for having "ordinary people" as passengers aboard one of its luxury liners, is in shock after the ruling now appears to green light the general public being allowed on cruise liners without first having to pass a basic etiquette test.

Speaking after the hearing, the fifty-two year-old claims cruising’s exclusivity has "now all but gone", citing as an example how he and wife Daphne had to "endure mixing with quasi-yobbos" during what he says was a "two week ordeal worse than hell".

He told reporters: ‘We began to have serious misgivings on the flight out to rendezvous with the vessel, when we could hear what sounded like northern accents coming from a few rows in front of us. But that was only the beginning.

On the first evening we went for a pre-dinner stroll on the promenade deck, but were immediately confronted with all sorts of rough types, cackling and drinking beer from bottles. There was even a party of obese men and their equally ghastly wives in singlets and Union Jack shorts.

‘When they spotted Daphne in her ball gown they called out "Ooh, look, It’s Lord and Lady Muck out for their stroll. Here, has he taken you up the poop deck yet, darling?" It was quite horrendous. We took to our suite for the remainder of the voyage and only came out for final disembarkation.’

Sir Nigel is considering an appeal but fears he's not got the courage to see it though, as it would inevitably mean having to leave his country estate and risk having to mix with the public at large once again.

Ship City Harbor - Free photo on Pixabay

British TV British Legally British Required to be British

The commie, pinko, Britain-hating BBC will now be legally required to produce ‘distinctively British’ programmes, like Only Fools and Horses and Fleabag, though, mysteriously, not like Luther and I May Destroy You. The BBC itself will rebrand as the Great British Broadcasting Corporation. Channel 4 will become the Great British Bake Off Broadcasting Corporation.

Every hour, all BBC channels will show the Queen, armed forces and fluttering Union Jacks, as Jerusalem, Rule Britannia and the national anthem play. The images will be intercut with a smiling, omniscient Boris Johnson looking statesmanlike, or at least having had a haircut.

New shows will include ‘Snowflake Melting with Jim Davidson and Laurence Fox’, a nightly hour-long show, with guests who self-identify as cancelled by the liberal elite. They will talk, on air, about how they never get on air because PC has gone mad. A tearful John Virgo will be forced to play snooker as Davidson makes increasingly dubious remarks about the differently coloured snooker balls.

Also new, a lavish 26-part documentary, adapted from Boris Johnson’s Churchill biography, with the royalties helping Johnson to pay for his next divorce.

BBC News 24 will rebrand as GB News, with presenters wearing poppies all year round. Those with regional accents or from ethnic minorities will be limited to local news and sport.

Gary Grimthwaite said ‘I’m English and I find these changes soothe my unfounded, borderline nonsensical fears. I mean Strictly Come Dancing is presented by two women. Women! What’s next, sharia law? I blame the Germans.’

Children’s TV looks set to be unaffected, as one parent noted ‘If you come for CBeebies, we will kill you and make it look like an accident.’