Starmer begins war on 'Benefits Britain' with air sorties

Pilots, to their surprise, encountered little resistance from the 'unemployed' enemy. Military experts are saying this could be due to it being a weekend when entire estates are pissed. 'It was a Saturday at 1am. Most local thieving and whoring operations had already been concluded. We took the claimants by surprise.'

The government has refused to confirm if and when ground operations will begin, hinting that spongers representatives may yet avert street-to-street fighting by submitting their benefits books and swearing in good faith to get Christmas jobs stacking shelves with Drambuie.

The war, which had been trailed in the incoming government's manifesto, was finally sparked by video footage of a back-related disability claimant in Padstow water skiing with two fingers waved in the direction of Westminster. The woman is understood to have been killed in the first wave of government bombing. Her family has condemned the lack of precision in the attack. 'We knew mum was a fighter in the benefits war and could suffer the consequences. But the missile took out my brother, too,' said one of the water skier's surviving children. 'The effect will be to further radicalize benefits claimants.'

International condemnation has also been swift. Leaders in Latin America have been forthright in their criticism, but they would wouldn't they. The EU has called on the UK government to pause the attacks and allow peacekeepers into Liverpool city centre, which despite having a comparatively low proportion of benefits claimants, still suffers the effects of its militant scrounging past.

A ministerial spokesman defended the action. 'If past governments had adequately addressed the issue of false ADHD bennie demands we wouldn't be seeing paratroopers rounding up smoking mums in dressing gowns at school gates.' He confirmed that mopping up operations are proceeding in an orderly fashion in Hanley, Solihull, both Newcastles, and the whole of south Wales. In off the record comments, another said, 'We will give these f*ckers a real reason to need incapacity benefits.'

Image: WixAI

MPs voted out to be released into the wild

The government is planning help for MPs who lose their lucrative jobs to make the transition into normal life.

The scheme is being heralded as making being an MP more attractive but is a widely seen as a thinly veiled admission that a lot of Tories, particularly in the north, will soon be adding to the unemployable stats.

Consultants are being employed to teach ex MPs skills such shouting, “Big Issue” or simply standing behind a counter and asking “Do you want fries with that?”

The scheme will not be available to MPs who step down. They will been deemed to have made themselves redundant and as such they will not be eligible for benefits, but will be given the services of a ghost writer to knock out a few trashy novels.

A similar scheme was being developed for ex PMs and Cabinet Ministers but was scrapped when it became obvious that the numbers were simply too high.

MPs to be required to ‘sign in’ once a fortnight like dole claimants

Empty benches in the House of Commons and a new game called ‘Where’s Boris?’ have led to calls for MPs to be required to prove that they are ‘available for government’ every two weeks.

'I know it’s a shitshow', said a spokesman 'and you might think we’re better off without people like Boris Johnson and Liz Truss, but they’re being paid 84 grand just to turn up and snooze. It’s only 30 weeks a year for Christ’s sake, even schoolkids have to put in more time'.

Jacob Rees-Mogg was unavailable for comment - which is odd, considering his obsession with getting civil servants back to the office.

Westminster staff have defended the move, pointing out that ‘in a little over a year quite a few current MPs will find themselves actually unemployed. They should treat this as a dummy run, given that many of them are literally unemployable’.

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