top of page

The London Mayor’s office had egg on its face today when an intern accidentally read out a document marked “For internal office use only” during a press conference.


The document, drawn up to mark the one year anniversary of the ULEZ zone, revealed that the scheme had been “every bit as lucrative as we’d hoped”. 


It went on to detail how the revenue was divided almost equally between people paying the charge, and the fines levied if they forgot. It also revealed a third stream of income, backhanders from car dealers whose business went through the roof as those who could afford to rushed to trade in older cars for recent models that meet the ULEZ standard.


It was only when he came to the phrase “Though obviously what we announce to the public should be about pollution, air quality and all that bollocks” that the intern realised his mistake. 


“There appears to have been some confusion,” smarmed the Director of PR, as the intern cleared his desk in the background. “Let me reassure you, our only goal in creating the ULEZ zone was the improvement of public health. Just think how much healthier the poor will be now they have to walk everywhere.


”Besides, it’s vitally important we ease congestion in central London. Even with limits set at 20mph, how are we going to make any money from speed cameras unless the traffic flows a bit faster?”






If the ULEZ doesn’t improve air quality, then it will fail and be scrapped. In order to ensure that air quality doesn’t improve, a well financed group of dodgy drivers is procuring the highest emitting cars, usually dirty diesels from the emissions scandal era (Volkswagens), and driving them through London all day long.


A spokesman said ‘This is a well organised and legal protest. We pay the congestion charge and the ULEZ charge for each car. Then our recruits drive the cars round and round central London in circles spewing out noxious nasties to bugger up the air quality. We like to target Sadiq Khan’s office and we also like to drive back and forth past the emissions monitoring stations.’


‘We just hate clean air. It does cost us quite a lot, but we are footing the bill ourselves because you can’t put a price on democracy... unless you’re a Tory.’




New measures are to be implemented to deal with SUV owners that consider off roading to be going up a gravel drive or parking on the pavement with hazards on.


Each time a new owner purchases an SUV, they will be assessed on whether they legitimately require the ground clearance, massive tyres or powerful engine. If they do not meet the requirements, additional tasks will be added to rectify this or they will have a massive additional tax applied. Or both, depending on their attitude.


The result is that their phone number will be given to all farmers who can call them any time during the day to get them to drive up a hillside to bring down a dead sheep. Other jobs include taking a poorly calf to the vet, relocating manure and dragging fallen trees off roads in the rain.


Farmers are allowed to laugh at alloys cracking and stupidly thin tyres being destroyed. As the Unnecessary Sports Utility Vehicle Zone (USUVZ) is now the whole of the UK, many Scottish farmers are expected to call central London users at 3am most nights.




bottom of page