top of page
Search

Putin declares first phase complete as Hogwarts is surrounded



In a surprise tactical change, the Russian army has withdrawn from Ukraine and encircled Hogwarts school, claiming the liberation of a fictional location was their intent all along. 'You can shove your sanctions,' suggested a Russian spokesman, 'once we force Harry Potter to surrender then we will be all powerful.' The UK government has extended sanctions to include all J K Rowling books, but noted that as Hogwarts isn't in NATO it can't intervene, even in literature. 'We might provide a poem or two,' suggested a spokesman from the MoD.


First published 29 March 2022




If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?














Johnson insistent that he needs to read War and Peace before acting on Ukraine



A No. 10 spokesbeing has told our reporter that far from inaction over the war in Ukraine, the Prime Minister is intent on studying War and Peace in order to discover the steps that need to be taken for how the war could become peace.


All four volumes are apparently awaiting collection from the Post office after a civil servant refused to accept them as they were addressed to the Prime Minister, a post the civil servant said was a figment of a twisted imagination.


When asked when the PM intends to start reading War and Peace, the aide said "I wouldn't hold your breath, he intends to start it immediately after he's finished A la recherche du temps perdu, a novel Rupert Murdoch told him he should read, but he's stuck on page 3 at the moment, wondering where the tits are.


Previously published 27 March 2022


Image: Newsbiscuit



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?














bottom of page