Russian peace deal demands Zelensky wear a suit

The war in Ukraine is set to rumble on as a diplomatic solution, hinged on President Zelensky knowing how to put on a tie. While relinquishing Ukrainian territory is seen as unreasonable, asking Zelensky to find an ironed shirt is a clear red line.

One Russian General complained: 'Zelensky has treated the entire campaign as dress-down Friday. Combat trousers and t-shirts, every f$ckin day! He dresses like he is still in college. No serious politician gets his wardrobe from Andriy's Army Surplus.'

Ukraine has made a counteroffer that Zelensky would wear his 'birthday suit' if the Russians also went naked. Said an aide: 'That way we all get to go commando.'

Photo by Alex Fedorenko on Unsplash

Asylum-seekers urged to keep backstories simple

Hollywood screenwriters have pinpointed the problem with most of the people seeking asylum in the UK: their backstories are too complex for an audience raised on Eastenders.

'The Ukrainians have nailed it' said Chad, a script editor from California. 'A well-drawn if somewhat obvious villain, a humble-yet-plucky hero leading a ragtag band of underdogs against a mighty army. They should have made Zelensky single so he could fall in love with a librarian who has to become a freedom fighter – or a nurse? - but apart from that it’s a perfect script'.

Syrians have come under criticism for having a ‘complex and muddled’ backstory.

'Who’s the baddy? Who’s the goody? What’s the branding? These people have no idea how to launch a franchise. Their best chance is to do a kind of ‘Putin Origins’ storyline' said Chad. 'We could show him developing his weapons and tactics in Damascus – ooh, I know, we could show him actually on the road to Damascus! That would play great in the US of A, do you have the Bible here? Give Putin his own theme, similar to Darth Vader’s Imperial March, and make those Wagner guys dress like stormtroopers, pretty soon the Syrians would be getting housing and a welcome as well'.

Suella Braverman was asked for a statement, but she was busy designing a laser cannon for the white cliffs of Dover and posing for next week’s Daily Mail front page.

Image: stux | Pixabay

First published 29 Nov 2022

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Unwavering support as wobbly as f*ck

Translators have explained to Ukraine that the verbal support offered by their NATO allies, should be taken with a massive pinch of salt and a distint hint of irony. Explained one linguist: 'It's like when the Man Utd board give you a vote of confidence, it's not meant to be taken literally.

'Everyone knows when Keir Starmer makes a pledge or promise, then he is definitely going to do the exact opposite. Just ask his wife.

'When NATO says it will protect your borders, it means it will steal your land. When it says it will protect your democracy, it will steal your land. When it says it will steal your land, it means it's going to ignore the land because its after the oil underneath it.

'If it's support you want, buy a hernia belt.'

image from pixabay