UK signs 100 year treaty with no concept of time

An excited Prime Minister explained that 100 was more than 1 and that a year was definitely longer than a second, but other than that he did not have a clue and was loving it! An aide said: 'This is fantastic, we'll be tied to the Ukraine for 100 years - what could possibly go wrong? It's not as if we were in a treaty with Russia only 80 years ago.

'We are absolutely convinced Ukraine and the UK will be exactly the same in a century. After all, its not as if AI or climate change exists. We are happy to make a long term commitment - which will out last our marriages, our teeth and life on Earth.'

The Ukraine was equally as pleased: 'We have been told that Keir Starmer is renowned for keeping his promises, so we have nothing to worry about.'

Image: WixAI

Make it all about TikTok, all the time, say news bosses

'There's a war in Ukraine, a ceasefire in the Middle East which could go either way, and the UK economy - which had been anaemic - is now flat-lining,' said a typewriter-thrower from the Society of Editors, 'but we are telling our journalists to make it all about TikTok, all the sodding time.

'There are parents, me included, who'd dearly like to give TikTok a fatal punch up the bracket for warping our kids' minds,' continued the typewriter chucker. 'But we are doing these minute-by-minute updates wondering what Trump thinks about TikTok, how the guy who runs it is attending his inauguration dinner, and whether this moronic thing in cyberspace with dance moves and episodes of Skibidi Toilet might survive in the US after all.

'We realise that this news story will both mystify and irritate anyone over the age of 55 and make them rather look forward to their deaths.

'But so does all the rest of news we're putting out. There's really no hope for throwbacks like that.'

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Russian peace deal demands Zelensky wear a suit

The war in Ukraine is set to rumble on as a diplomatic solution, hinged on President Zelensky knowing how to put on a tie. While relinquishing Ukrainian territory is seen as unreasonable, asking Zelensky to find an ironed shirt is a clear red line.

One Russian General complained: 'Zelensky has treated the entire campaign as dress-down Friday. Combat trousers and t-shirts, every f$ckin day! He dresses like he is still in college. No serious politician gets his wardrobe from Andriy's Army Surplus.'

Ukraine has made a counteroffer that Zelensky would wear his 'birthday suit' if the Russians also went naked. Said an aide: 'That way we all get to go commando.'

Photo by Alex Fedorenko on Unsplash