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The PM has backed plans to have the musical 'Chess' played in every park. A graffiti resistant Elaine Page will belt out songs to the homeless, while her 1980's hair will ward off seagulls.
Swings will be replaced by a giant inflatable Barbara Dickson, for local children to play on. While dog walkers will be encouraged to pick up the $hit story written by Tim Rice.
Although Park Chess sounds like a rubbish Blur cover band, fans of the musical were excited: 'It's everything I love about the show plus, during the interval, I get to be stabbed by the roundabout.'
A government spokesperson said: 'We believe there are big gas reserves - mainly sulfur. Yes, there is a substantial risk of unleashing Satan's horde, but that's a small price to pay for not having wind turbines cluttering the landscape.'
Greenpeace was not as complimentary about opening up Dante's Inferno, they said: 'Play Oil Industry games, win Oil Industry prizes. In other words, in the true spirit of f$ck around meets find out, the UK will become a portal to Hell. Which is not a metaphor for Brexit.'
Nevertheless, drilling will start in earnest, with a direct tunnel between Lucifer and Downing Street, reopening the original link used by Margaret Thatcher. A contractor explained: 'We hope to pump thousands of barrels of black liquid, 10% oil, 90% the congealed souls of Tory ministers.'
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