UK seeking international recognition for how many fingers it can stick up its own bottom

Costa Rica has spent the last 20 years restoring forests, doubling the amount of carbon-capturing woodland across the nation. During that time, the UK has snotted down its chin a bit and left some smudge marks on the walls.

Costa Rica carefully considered the unsustainable pathways of short-term financial gain from industrial-scale destruction of ecosystems and successfully inverted conventional economic ideologies. Meanwhile, the UK ate lots of sweeties, was sick on the cat, and wanted more shiny things.

Individuals and groups in Costa Rica have been economically rewarded for enacting a national policy of valuing, protecting and encouraging the growth of natural habitats. The UK wants everybody to see how many fingers it can stick up its bottom.

Costa Rica has provided a model for countries around the world to learn from and follow in order that humans don't destroy the only place in the cosmos they can thrive, thereby destroying themselves. The UK is pulling the wings off bees and still wets the bed.

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Government creates essential new role of Witchfinder General

Downing Street has announced that a new senior government role has been created with the innovative and catchy title of Witchfinder General. Within minutes this was aggressively denied by the same senior ministers who had just announced it. There then followed the now expected period of clarification, suspiciously in the shape of a u-turn, reiterating that there had been no u-turns and that any footage of the same ministers saying precisely the opposite of what they were now saying was all in the minds of fools and incompetents.

A renowned and highly respected leaker with a penchant for snitching explained, "Our top government minds got together to assess the greatest threats to the UK in 2021. Eventually, a cleaner happened by and pointed out that the Cabinet room double doors were pullers and not pushers, so they were finally able to take their places around the table and begin their Mega-Brains-Trust meeting."

"Once all of the gurgling and sheep noises died down, consensus was reached that a new, progressive, forward-looking, radical overhaul of political structure was required. Vigorous nodding and high-pitched squeals confirmed that the greatest threats to the UK were goblins, witches and naughty looking goats lurking under bridges. No one could see any ongoing need for Health, Education or the Environment, so those departments have been axed with immediate effect. In their place, a colossal uber-department will be formed called the Department for the Eradication of Really Scary Stuff. Jacob Rees-Mogg couldn't stop screaming and Michael Gove wet his pants, so it was agreed that they were both ideal candidates for the new role of Witchfinder General."

"Gove and Rees-Mogg will undergo a series of paddle-based tests. Whichever of them maims the highest number of baby ducklings will be awarded the most highly-prized position in British politics. The victor's most pressing priority will be to categorise all non-Conservative-Party-donors in the land as 'a bit witchy-looking'. Following that will come the somewhat hostile environment we are calling the mass drownings phase. Whoever survives that will be automatically reclassified as proven witches and deported to Yorkshire."

Major supermarkets now selling fruit 'for display purposes only'

The grocery sections in UK supermarkets must now show clear signage saying that 'all of the fruit for sale here is for home display purposes only', and 'under no circumstances should anyone ever attempt to eat it'.

A retail industry spokeswoman explained, "What we realised in 1988 was that the vast majority of the UK public had a strong desire to display bowls of lush-looking fruit at home, but no member of the family was actually allowed to eat it. 93.7% of all fruit purchased was to impress friends and neighbours, projecting the image of a household with a healthy-living lifestyle. Ironically, the fruit was 'off limits' to the household for as long as it still presented well in the bowl. The problem with the consumer behaviour cycle was that by the time it didn't look good any more, no one wanted to eat it. So the lead household fruit purchaser would have bin the rotten fruit and go out and buy new fruit which would then again be strictly eyes only for as long as could be stretched."

"This led supermarket purchasing departments to buy and stock ever-increasingly unripe fruit. 'Aesthetically pleasing' became the mantra in all outlets. Green bananas and rock hard nectarines became the retail industry standard. We have now reached the edibility horizon where no fruit is sold which ever reaches a ripeness window. So it is now a legal obligation for supermarkets to warn their customers that they should never actually attempt to eat any of the fruit they purchase."