Zelensky delighted about UK local election results

President Volodymyr Zelenskyy has commended the BBC and other news outlets for their balanced coverage of the UK local elections. 'I'm glad the Russian invasion didn't interfere with the robust reporting of how many dogs were taken to the polls, who lost overall control of a local authority even the locals didn't know existed and how failed 80s pop stars can't even win a popular vote.

'I did ask President Putin to avoid doing anything controversial while the elections were on in case it diverted the attention from Wandsworth, Hull and Bridgend. As it happened he dropped a thermonuclear bomb on Kyiv and I personally assassinated Putin while everyone in Russia was following the local elections.'

Image from Pixabay by mounsey

https://pixabay.com/photos/polling-station-poll-election-day-2643466/

UK to import executions from Saudi Arabia

A trade spokesperson confirmed: 'Our own domestic torture supply is relatively small, compared with our own high demand for low cost beheadings. We need to stop our dependence on Russian human rights abuses and, instead, source an unlimited supply of evil. The Saudi Royals said they can send us a truckload of severed heads, faster than you can dismember a journalist. While they also guaranteed that any deal would be at a cut price.'

Globe East Middle - Free photo on Pixabay

Government Facing Growing Backlash from Homeowners Forced to Live with Covid

The PM is facing mounting resentment after forcing citizens into co-habitation with Covid.

It comes weeks after a dramatic government U-Turn. All previous policy mandated staying well away from the disease and to follow dramatic and usually illogical rules to keep it out of the home. However, new policy requires anyone not medically exempt to ‘start living with Covid.’

‘We follow government advice to the letter, but welcoming Covid into the very heart of our family is just too much', said Stephen Jarvis, Seaham U13s Chess Champion, 1984. 'It's a destructive houseguest, and it just sort of hovers around the house, lingering annoyingly in the air'.

Miriam Caltrop of Henor was equally disappointed. ‘At first we were excited. We thought that inviting Covid into our homes was a small price to pay for everything getting back to normal,’

‘But then things turned sour, (especially food and smells). Covid became clingy and wouldn’t let us leave the house. They didn’t help with the chores or pay bills, which became problematic as we couldn’t go to work.

'And this is against a background fear that they may suddenly turn on you and maliciously murder you in your sleep. By the end, we were left feeling exhausted and drained and wishing they would just go.’

Homeowner associations are arguing that spare rooms could be better used to welcome foster children or refugees. However, the government reiterated that Covid was now the public’s responsibility and until they could rehome it humanely, there simply wasn’t room for other more deserving guests.

Image: Pixabay/BlenderTimer